rants and agony
Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 5:04 PM
this post goes for YOU. don’t look around who, you know who you are.
I am angry. DAMN mad that I can hardly be able to control myself to type and share this. I have been forcing myself not to but this is getting too painful for my heart, too much burden that I feel like losing all of them here. too rude, too harsh, too unforgiveable that I feel like, I don’t know, KILLING someone..???!! well, not until that, that would make me a freak but anyway, I am so mad that I would scream out loud if this blog is all about speaking, not typing.
but oh well, since it only goes for typing, what can I say?
alright, let’s get to the point(s).
first, yes, I am so mad at you. you know why? because you have been treating me like a real CRAP. no, not crap, SHIT would be a better word. what am I to you? am I like a passer-by that was just there when you need me and when you don’t need me you just ditch me like that? hell yeah we are moving on, hell yeah if you are going out with other people. I just question this, WHAT AM I TO YOU?
second, I am moving on. you are moving on, like what I said above. now, WHY THE HELL are YOU still contacting me for like.. especially.. ON MY BIRTHDAY? much more, APOLOGISING? like RIGHT NOW? like JUST RIGHT NOW? you know how my heart works. you know me that well, there is no need for me to tell. you were someone THAT important and to me you had been so special. but just.. WHY IS IT THAT YOU ARE APOLOGISING JUST ON MY BIRTHDAY? we talked, we laughed. well, yeah, I miss that, I do. and now, we stop talking again. so the question is, are we only worth talking JUST for the sake of MY BIRTHDAY?
third, now that we are no longer having my-birthday mode, are you just gonna stand there and ignore me like before? just WATCH ME BURN in FLAMES again? I thought you have apologized? why the hell are you doing that again?
are you taking me for granted? are you the kind that goes around and comes around when you feel like? what are you treating my heart as? what is my heart to you?
do you wanna know how angry I am? I am so angry that those tweets of anger or disappointments I made, are ALL going to YOU. ALL those retweets ALL those favourites I have, my feelings are ALL inside when I do those retweets or favourites.
no, seriously, don’t you know why am I so angry in the first place? don’t you know? YOU ARE THAT CHILDISH STUPID MORON that just IGNORES WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IGNORING. you TWEET like nobody’s reading, like I AM NOT READING. and remember those tweets you wrote especially 2-3 months ago? I cried in AGONY, EVERY NIGHT, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. and the most painful thing is, YOU DID THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY! why is it that you have to expose it that way? you could just stay and leave it to yourself, there is no need to SHOW and TELL, or getting a YELL YELL here and there just for the sake of your heart’s happiness? sure, yes, of course, if you are thinking that I could just unfollow you? do you think it would be that easy?
well, I’ll tell you this honestly, I have been muting you for the last 3 months. and yes, it feels better, for my mind, for my soul, for my heart. much much more far better.
I miss the old you, I do. the old you understand that I was in pain, that all you have done was terrible mistakes. and the old you would just be there to tell me to stand strong, and I would accept it whole-heartedly. I thought we were best friends, but I reconsider this fact, and no, we were not. we are not even friends, because to me you had been stabbing my back and friends don’t do that.
this is not bashing, this is a scar that has been hidden for so long, it starts bleeding out. I have been crying since I started typing that title “rants and agony” up there, you. it is just too hard, to let go, to watch those sweet words, to move on alone. it was never easy from the start.
now let’s get to the sensitive part. I seriously don’t know how you are doing now. I have been muting you in twitter for 3 months for now, and seriously, I really don’t do that peeking or anything, like I used to, I swear. so, yeah, I don’t know any single thing about you right now. but whatever you are doing and wherever you are, my blessings will always be with you. I have been so stupid, I know. I have been treating you like a shit too, to me, you are treating me much more painful that what I have done to you. and for that, I really wish you can ask for forgiveness.
and truly I am sorry if this post is hurting you in any ways.
every memories we had feels just like yesterday happening. I do recall everything we shared, every pictures we took, every fights we had. there were good and bad times, and we all shared them together. everything TOGETHER. everything we had was real and I don’t know how the hell I have been able to live without you for the past few months.
I do miss you. I can’t deny this fact. there has been NO days I have gone through that I don’t think about you. do you miss me too? do you skip a beat whenever my name crosses your mind? no, actually, has my name even ever crossed your mind? I really wanna know. because I am so frustrated with your attitude, because I am so sick with our craps lingering around us, and especially because of the fact that I still do care and pray for you.
Labels: agony, hurt, long post, pains
