I found sunshine in my life

presence

2011-10-14T23:34:00.009+11:00

As special as today is for you, as special it is for me.Happy 21st birthday. I can’t perceive how broken our friendship that makes me only being brave enough to say everything right here.

You were always there for me through both the good times and the bad.
You were always there to laugh with, or to help me when I'm sad.
Down at the mall even though we had no money.
Laughing at anything and everything, yet none of it was funny.
Walking around the block, or watching movies all day,
We never really ran out of things to say.
We howled at the full moons, would spin at parks until we were sick,
Helping each other through both thin and thick.
No longer can we stay up late, talking all night long,
Trying to figure out, how things can go so wrong.
Why do two of the best friends you'll ever know,
Have to be split up, because one is forced to let go?
If you ever need to talk, then just pick up the phone,
I know right now you feel it, but you're definitely not alone.
Although you may be feeling, somewhat out of touch,
Never forget that I love you very much.

And here it is, 2 songs for you, as a birthday gift from me. Download these:
Brandi Carlile – The Story and Wicked – For Good

Missing your cracked laugh, missing your crooked smile, missing your sincere voice.

Missing spending 365 days fighting dragons with you. *super tight hugs

Your very stupid,

din

Juxtaposition

2011-08-22T23:48:00.000+10:00

Finally I managed myself to drag an post. Well, I miss blogging.

Right, I know you were just suddenly clicking my blog address and here you go, I have posted new posts. ini blog makin lama makin bapuk kalo makin dibiarin aja. and I am not going to let that happen. so let us! (:

So, what have I been up to?

I'll start by saying, I am in semester 3 already! whoots! I know right? thanks to my brain and heart that were able to cooperate with each other to do short semester (read: semester 2). *pfft*, I would lie if I say I was not tempted to have 3-months holidays just like some of my friends had. so of course, when they came back, their faces were brighter than those who had short semester (read: me!). I only had 2 weeks holidays where I spent the time in Singapore!

2-week story short, I had the time of my life (:
There was, of course, the biggest information I got from my previous school.
and that has haunted me pretty well. it has literally given me an impact towards my future.
huge blow.

and I got to know a new roommate. boo yeah! her name's Nadia. a new law student. apparently, I don't know how to describe her. but one thing I can say.. she is different.

by the way, I tried applying US visa for my December trip too. ahey! and man it was tough. got to be there around 9 and when I reached, they asked for a photo which they did not mention to bring! groar! ended up having to rush to make one and yes, the photo was undeniably bad. it was like you-were-just-about-to-wake-up-in-the-morning-then-someone-took-your-picture kind of photo. freaking ugly. bleah.

but the interview went great. I got to be asked things like "why do you want to go to USA?","who are you going with?", "have you ever been to USA before?", "who's your daddy?".. right, the last one is Barney's. out of the equation.

just left with my sisters in Singapore. and their schedule is on October 3rd. meh.

anyways, hari-hari kuliah di UPH makin sibuk. assignments start piling up as time passes. and we got this 10-day holidays of the Muslims. but right after that, ergh, I don't even want to think about it right now.

but I have seriously been thinking hard of getting into International Class. so what if there is only few people, so what if it is harder to get good grades. this is my standard, well it is supposedly.

hence the decision.

AND last but not least! my commitment in moot courting! we'll see if this helps me in any ways of studying law (:

ps. if anyone ever wonder why the title? it's simply because it is now "the state of being close together or side by side". People have been asking, "so you and him?" and I could only smile and say, "yeah."
pps. Perth (:

Never give up on the things you want the most. As long as you keep a positive attitude you can make anything happen in your life.

MERDEKA!

2011-08-16T18:41:00.001+10:00

I just found this article from the Jakarta Post Newspaper today. and yes, I found it very nicely written, so here I am reposting it in my blog :)

Happy birthday Indonesia!

Adeline Tumenggung-Cooke, Manchester, UK | Tue, 08/16/2011 7:00 AM

Happy 66th birthday, Indonesia! I never thought much about my country when I lived there, but now that I am an expat living in England, I have to say that I am proud of Indonesia.

“Distance not only gives nostalgia, but perspective and maybe objectivity,” wrote commander of the B-17 Flying Fortress Memphis Belle Robert Morgan during World War II. This is what I feel now — 7,336 miles away and a few years after leaving my birth place.

England today has just woken up from a nightmare quite similar to Indonesia’s in 1998. Although Manchester is not as badly affected as Jakarta in 1998, the sense of crisis is identical.

There is the shock and the anger — both over the criminals who did this to the city as well as to the government for allowing the poor to become poorer and the rich to get away with corruption. And then there’s the blame game.

After the riot, what we saw in the media are all big wig politicians blaming everyone but themselves — from single mothers, the police force, the underclass to the previous government.

But there is another thing that feels the same — the good side of human nature. Just like hundreds of human right activists in Jakarta picking up the pieces of humanity left by rioters in Glodok, Klender and Tanjung Priok, hundreds of volunteers in London, Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool turned up the next day with their brooms and bin bags picking up broken glasses and a broken sense of humanity.

On Sunday after the riots, a peace gathering took place in Birmingham. A father who lost his son during the riot spoke of peace and community spirit. There were no words of hate from the grieving Tariq Jahan.

In democracy and civil society life, Indonesia is still a teenager, growing and learning each day. Whilst in the UK, where democracy was born, the country of Magna Carta and John Locke, people feel that democracy is dying.

When the elected government allow wealthy criminals to avoid taxes, member of parliaments to claim expenses for ornamental gardens and media tycoons to gain power over politicians, it comes as no surprise that the underclass suddenly had the urge to help themselves to flat screen televisions, clothes and even food.

Both the upper-class and the underclass committed crimes. But the sense of justice here in England 2011 feels exactly the same as in Indonesia during my childhood — a poor Joe nobody who stole his neighbour’s chicken got beaten up in the police station while Mr. Big Wig businessmen who stole millions in public money got away with their crimes.

I guess there is a standard recipe for social disaster. Just like baking a chocolate cake — it can have thousands of different varieties, ingredients and methods.

The main ingredients stay the same. Take economic inequality as the flour, social injustice as eggs and the marginalized part of society and small number of criminals as butter. Mix them with different types of government policy as the different type of chocolates — it could be powdered chocolate like authoritarianism, or a melted chocolate block as cuts to education, libraries, police and social service budgets.

Blend all the ingredients, put them in the oven for some period of time, then choose any icing you like — people’s protest that ended in the death of innocent students, or a man shot dead by the police. Voila! You have your cake of social disaster.

Living in England today, I do not see the difference between “first world” and “third world” or “developed country” and “developing country”. I really cannot see any reason why Indonesia should feel inferior to the developed or “first world” countries.

Indonesians have a sense of nationality. Yes, we have had our moments of embarrassment, when we had to admit that it is us Indonesians who invaded Timor Leste and violated human rights in Aceh and Papua. We have had our dark moments when terrorists bred on our doorstep shattered Bali and Jakarta, targeting foreigners.

And yes, poverty is still a huge elephant in the room. Huge regions of our beautiful rain forests are disappearing and being converted into palm oil plantations owned by multinational corporations.

Still, I think Indonesia is not doing so badly. In fact, Indonesia is doing very well, being only a teenager in democracy.

See the quick statistics. With a population of almost 250 million, Indonesia’s literacy rate is 90 percent. What I see in Indonesia is that every parent wants their children to go to university and reach the stars.

The majority of Indonesians are working hard to make sure that their children have better lives — even those living in cardboard makeshifts are working hard scavenging, selling food and drinks, pedalling becak (and running away from Jakarta’s authorities).

Even without a comprehensive benefit system, the poor Indonesians are able to live by helping each other. Helping each other, gotong-royong, is a beautiful concept that I hope will stay alive in all Indonesian hearts.

In hindsight, I now remember the Pancasila Moral Education from my school days. I hated it then, had all the excuses I could find to skip the classes and doodled during the 100 hour Pancasila lecture at university. I know in practice it is all difficult and far from perfect, but Indonesia does have a philosophy to cherish.

It was a very good reminder when US President Barack Obama mentioned Bhinneka Tunggal Ika, unity in diversity, on his visit. Indonesians are so diverse, yet we can all live together in peace if we still believe. Long before equality and diversity became a political norm in the Western world, Indonesia had practised this in everyday life.

The Indonesian Constitution states in article 33 that all major means of production are to be controlled by the state. It means that no multinational companies should take over water, gas and electricity so that the poorest of the poor could still have access to these. I hope Indonesia will stick to this principle.

Democracy as a relatively new concept in Indonesia is actively being discussed in universities, schools and independent study groups. Local and national NGOs thrive in assisting small businesses, educating people about the meaning of democracy and fighting corruption.

Yes, corruption, collusion and nepotism still exist in Indonesia. But they also exist in the UK today — the MP’s expenses scandal, the collusion and nepotism surrounding Rupert Murdoch and so many big wig politicians.

The three modern sins are the common enemy from within that both the developed and developing countries should be aware of and keep on fighting against.

There are many more points to praise Indonesia, but I shall end this with a hope that the country of over 13,000 islands, 300 ethnic groups and 700 different languages and dialects will preserve its native wisdom of Bhinneka Tunggal Ika.

I hope that the young teenager in democracy will mature to become one of the wisest nations in the world, that the people will say no to the consumerist greed from the West and instead learn from the wisdom of its native tribes.

Merdeka Indonesia!

The writer is a freelance journalist and alumni of Driyarkara Institute of Philosophy, Jakarta

take care of my heart, love

2011-07-08T23:33:00.002+10:00

아무렇지 않은듯 눈을 돌려도
Even if I look away as if nothing happened
뛰는 심장은 감출 수가 없나봐요
I cannot hide my beating heart
그러면 안된다며 가슴에게 다짐하고 애원해봐도 그리움에 가려요..
Even if I promise and plead to my heart that I cannot be like this, my heart is still shadowed by yearning

아니라고 자꾸만 되뇌어보아도
Even if I repeat to myself no
마음은 아직 그대라고 말하네요
My heart still says you are the one
시간이 바래듯 추억들도 하나둘씩 다 사라져 갈지 괜한 걱정일까요..
Like time fades away I'm worried that the memories will one by one fade away

사랑은 흩어져 버린 건가요
Is love all shattered away?
너무 작아서 다 죽지도 못할만큼,
I call out your name alone,
혼자서 그 이름 불러보지만 그대 여전히 대답은 없겠죠..
but still you would not answer me

가끔씩은 그대도 날 바라볼까요
Will you look at me now and then?
행복에 젖었던 어제들은 한웅큼씩 사라져만 가요
The past drenched with happiness is slowly vanishing
그대도 날 생각할까요
Will you still think of me?
수줍던 입가에 미소로 다시 나를 부를 날이 오길..
l still hope the days that you call my name with your shy lips can come again

조금은 어색해도 그댈 보아요
Even it is awkward, I still look at you
그대와 있는 이순간에 감사해요
I thank for this moment to be with you
어쩌면 한번쯤은 돌아보길 그려보며 두눈을 감아 그저 웃어 보아요..
I draw in my mind that I will reminisce this day once, and close my eyes and smile

사랑은 흩어져 버린 건가요
Is love all shattered away?
너무 작아서 다 죽지도 못할만큼
I call out your name alone
혼자서 그 이름 불러보지만 그대 여전히 대답은 없겠죠..
but still you would not answer me

가끔씩은 그대도 날 바라볼까요
Will you look at me now and then?
행복에 젖었던 어제들은 한웅큼씩 사라져만 가요
The past drenched with happiness is slowly vanishing
그대도 날 생각할까요
Will you still think of me?
수줍던 입가에 미소로 다시 나를 부를 날이 오길..
I still hope the days that you call my name with your shy lips will come again

우리에게 사랑이 남아있을까요
Will there be any love left for us?
혹시나 그대가 잊더라도 내안에 모두 남겨둘께요
Even if you forget, I will keep it in my heart
그대도 날 생각할까요
Will you think of me?
아름다운 그대 미소로 다시 나를 부를 날이 오길…
I hope the days that you call my name with your smile will come again

FUNNY HOKKIEN STORY!

2011-05-08T05:00:00.000+10:00

to those who can read this, LOL!

1. Read the passage carefully
2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage after reading.
3. Not that difficult, chin chai do lah !

Section A: Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)
Question: Singalella why become rich ?
Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella.
She got two sisters, but the stepmarder and the sisters all damn kuai-lan, so she quite zhia-lat oso.
Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah.
Everyday must cook lah, clean lah, simi sai mah bao-kah-liao.
If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she liak.
Tak jit zho kah tau-hin. EPF poon boh.
But then, kay piak eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party.
So he say, 'oeh, long chong lai ah.'
Singalella very happy because she never go party before but then her step-marder say,
'Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one bahru lu eh sisters wu standard.'
Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and step-marder.
Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai.
That night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggi mee.
Her neighbour came over and ask, 'Eh, an-zhua lu boh kee party?'
So Singaalella kong,
'I-wan, lau-bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian.' She never expect but the neighbour say,
'Aiyah, kee lah, I give you money.' So singalella brus

h teef and zhang-zhui, chen-kor, after that look very different.
She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already 11 o'clock.
At the party, Ah Ming also quite sian because the char bor all boh sui one.
Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing. Just as Ah Ming told himself,
'Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat', Singalella came in. Ah Ming straight away lau nuar. '
Wah-lau eh, see-pay heng ah, chee kor buay pai.'
Ah Ming say to Singalella, 'eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee zho flen!'
Singalella say ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here touch there.
But then just it was 12 o'clock, one ah pek die on the dance floor.
He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number.
So after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak ban.
So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho sen-lee.
Simi kuan eh sen-lee wah mana eh zhai.
Section B: Grades - Gauge Your command of Hokkien....

A1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly.
Hokkien eh sai, bo beh zao.

A2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly.
zhia lat

E8. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball.
leow leow, mai ka lang kong you is Hokkien Singabolean

F9. Don't understand rating.
kee see lah, wah mana eh zhai lee kong simi?

rants and agony

2011-04-05T17:04:00.000+10:00

this post goes for YOU. don’t look around who, you know who you are.

I am angry. DAMN mad that I can hardly be able to control myself to type and share this. I have been forcing myself not to but this is getting too painful for my heart, too much burden that I feel like losing all of them here. too rude, too harsh, too unforgiveable that I feel like, I don’t know, KILLING someone..???!! well, not until that, that would make me a freak but anyway, I am so mad that I would scream out loud if this blog is all about speaking, not typing.

but oh well, since it only goes for typing, what can I say?

alright, let’s get to the point(s).

first, yes, I am so mad at you. you know why? because you have been treating me like a real CRAP. no, not crap, SHIT would be a better word. what am I to you? am I like a passer-by that was just there when you need me and when you don’t need me you just ditch me like that? hell yeah we are moving on, hell yeah if you are going out with other people. I just question this, WHAT AM I TO YOU?

second, I am moving on. you are moving on, like what I said above. now, WHY THE HELL are YOU still contacting me for like.. especially.. ON MY BIRTHDAY? much more, APOLOGISING? like RIGHT NOW? like JUST RIGHT NOW? you know how my heart works. you know me that well, there is no need for me to tell. you were someone THAT important and to me you had been so special. but just.. WHY IS IT THAT YOU ARE APOLOGISING JUST ON MY BIRTHDAY? we talked, we laughed. well, yeah, I miss that, I do. and now, we stop talking again. so the question is, are we only worth talking JUST for the sake of MY BIRTHDAY?

third, now that we are no longer having my-birthday mode, are you just gonna stand there and ignore me like before? just WATCH ME BURN in FLAMES again? I thought you have apologized? why the hell are you doing that again?

are you taking me for granted? are you the kind that goes around and comes around when you feel like? what are you treating my heart as? what is my heart to you?

do you wanna know how angry I am? I am so angry that those tweets of anger or disappointments I made, are ALL going to YOU. ALL those retweets ALL those favourites I have, my feelings are ALL inside when I do those retweets or favourites.

no, seriously, don’t you know why am I so angry in the first place? don’t you know? YOU ARE THAT CHILDISH STUPID MORON that just IGNORES WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IGNORING. you TWEET like nobody’s reading, like I AM NOT READING. and remember those tweets you wrote especially 2-3 months ago? I cried in AGONY, EVERY NIGHT, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. and the most painful thing is, YOU DID THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY! why is it that you have to expose it that way? you could just stay and leave it to yourself, there is no need to SHOW and TELL, or getting a YELL YELL here and there just for the sake of your heart’s happiness? sure, yes, of course, if you are thinking that I could just unfollow you? do you think it would be that easy?

well, I’ll tell you this honestly, I have been muting you for the last 3 months. and yes, it feels better, for my mind, for my soul, for my heart. much much more far better.

I miss the old you, I do. the old you understand that I was in pain, that all you have done was terrible mistakes. and the old you would just be there to tell me to stand strong, and I would accept it whole-heartedly. I thought we were best friends, but I reconsider this fact, and no, we were not. we are not even friends, because to me you had been stabbing my back and friends don’t do that.

this is not bashing, this is a scar that has been hidden for so long, it starts bleeding out. I have been crying since I started typing that title “rants and agony” up there, you. it is just too hard, to let go, to watch those sweet words, to move on alone. it was never easy from the start.

now let’s get to the sensitive part. I seriously don’t know how you are doing now. I have been muting you in twitter for 3 months for now, and seriously, I really don’t do that peeking or anything, like I used to, I swear. so, yeah, I don’t know any single thing about you right now. but whatever you are doing and wherever you are, my blessings will always be with you. I have been so stupid, I know. I have been treating you like a shit too, to me, you are treating me much more painful that what I have done to you. and for that, I really wish you can ask for forgiveness.

and truly I am sorry if this post is hurting you in any ways.

every memories we had feels just like yesterday happening. I do recall everything we shared, every pictures we took, every fights we had. there were good and bad times, and we all shared them together. everything TOGETHER. everything we had was real and I don’t know how the hell I have been able to live without you for the past few months.

I do miss you. I can’t deny this fact. there has been NO days I have gone through that I don’t think about you. do you miss me too? do you skip a beat whenever my name crosses your mind? no, actually, has my name even ever crossed your mind? I really wanna know. because I am so frustrated with your attitude, because I am so sick with our craps lingering around us, and especially because of the fact that I still do care and pray for you.

swell.

2010-12-12T21:46:00.000+11:00

a question, what would you do if you are in this situation?

"I had a friend. She’s a year older than me. Before she graduated she told me that “we should be like this even though i’m gonna go to high school.” we were really close then, I was the first one to know about her secret and she was the first one to know about mine. Imagine that? and well we’d always text/call everyday. When she had problems she’d go to me, when I’m troubled I just run to her and she just makes me smile, like all my problems just faded. we would gossip too about mostly EVERYTHING even the TOP SECRET stuff. Those were the good times. but we didn’t get to keep our promise. Our friendship isn’t even the same as before anymore. and of course I know the reason why. But I just find it really sad. Now when I have problems, I just keep it all to myself knowing that she’s too busy with her studies, her new friends, her new school.. her new life. I just feel so bad because I think I’m the only one missing what we had before. She was not a best friend, but she was more than that. She was more of like my sister, which hurt 20 times worse."

the question is, does she actually still want to be my friend?

source: one tumblr page i just passed by and read

dear you,
my heart has been swollen for the past 2 weeks. not only the problem lies in us, but my relationship with my parents is now like a crap, especially with mum. my life is really in a mess.

i don't want to go to Japan. i want to use that travel money for dad, for whenever time he needs in the old future days, he can spend. today, i got really pissed in them being so slow when i could just ask them to buy the foods and me staying home watching my shop. mum keeps blaming me for having a bad bad mood shown today. i was being told that i would get a karma someday. and it hurts my heart so bad it bleeds. i don't know what to do. dad has spent too much money already, why can't she understand that? for my study, for car and for the traveling trip..

2 weeks i have not been able to talk to you. not being able to because i have my private reason i just cannot tell. i miss you, i do. i wish i could cry on your shoulder and explain everything about my life. i know you are damn well happy, i just cannot ruin that of yours.

when will we stop this? when will we finally talk to each other? i know we both want to make up already. but we just can’t, i don’t know why. we can’t even look at each other anymore. i know you’re trying. well i did. JUST SO YOU KNOW, i did try. but you just replied with a cold shrug. from then on, i lost hope. but everyday i’ve been longing to talk to you. even just a simple “hello” but I still can’t do it.

i hope we won’t stay like this forever. i don’t wanna lose another friend. i don’t wanna lose you. or did i lose you already?

you just don’t know it but it really does hurt. every day when we’re avoiding each other, it leaves a deep mark to my chest. remember when you told me that i got you? that you always got my back? yeah, i’ve been through this crap before. and i don’t wanna go through it anymore.. especially with you. i don’t wanna lose anyone right now, especially i don’t wanna lose you.

i hope you realise, the silence is killing me so bad. it really is.

and for your information, this is how my face looks like for the past 13 days.

do you know?

2010-12-11T17:28:00.000+11:00

MISS!

2010-12-11T04:36:00.000+11:00

I remember
The way you glanced at me, yes I remember

I remember
When we caught a shooting star, yes I remember

I remember
All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I

I remember
All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

Do you remember?
When we were dancing in the rain in that december

And I remember
When my father thought you were a burglar

I remember
All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I

I remember
All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

I remember
The way you read your books,
yes I remember
The way you tied your shoes,
yes I remember
The cake you loved the most,
yes I remember
The way you drank you coffee,
I remember
The way you glanced at me, yes I remember
When we caught a shooting star,
yes I remember
When we were dancing in the rain in that december
And the way you smile at me,
yes I remember

I MISS YOU FREAKING BADLY! someday i will let you know that i am not doing this on purpose. i have my reasons, and i hate having those reasons.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one day.

2010-12-08T05:32:00.000+11:00

Your back figure as you left
I can’t forget it
Because I cherished you

‘Time will fix it all’
Was the support from my friends
But it is too less to bury you

In between the continuous trips
The thing that finds me again
It is your voice carried by the wind
Can you forget?

Day by day
The day that you aren’t here
Becomes a memory like yesterday
It burdens me so much
One day just for only one day
If only my hand can wipe your tears
Then I will tell you
My everything

The past memories I can’t forget
It hides the past nights
When the heartless times stops

On top of the promise I couldn’t keep
Is the dust that settled on top
Secretly, I clean it off with my tears

In between the large population
I’m looking for you again
My voice saying that I love you
Can you forget it?

Day by day
The day that you aren’t here
Becomes a memory like yesterday
It burdens me so much
One day just for only one day
If only my hand can wipe your tears
Then I will tell you
My everything

In the split road of my destiny
Even if they say it is a shattered dream
I wish I can bring you back again

One day just for only one day
If I can get to see you
If this aged prayer can bring you back
What I couldn’t say
The words I couldn’t say that was deep inside my heart
Then I will tell you
I love you

One day just for only one day
If only my hand can wipe your tears
Then I will tell you
You are my everything
Please receive my last courage

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

crystal clear it becomes.

2010-12-06T14:31:00.004+11:00

as i'm driving down the road, i pass places where memories of us flood my mind. fun times, hurt times, and that one time you were mad and yelled that didn't scare me, but made me like you even more. but, i'm trying to let you go. within the past 2 weeks something keeps telling me to hold onto you, to not let go. as i'm dancing at a party with someone else, the party was interrupted by a slow song. and all I could think about was you.

Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.

I know as long as you are happy, I can get through this. But it still kills me to see you with her. Not because she is perfect for you, not because she makes you smile, not because she is what you need but because she's my best friend.

Life is indeed unfair. There are times when I’d stare at the sky at night and wonder why you are my entire universe when I’m not even a little star in yours.

but even though it hurts, you're my favorite pain. and i was born to be in this pain forever.

the moral of the story? yes dear, i miss you freaking badly. and i really wonder why you're able to just walk away while I struggle to let go.

GRENADE

2010-12-05T01:36:00.000+11:00

hey, guys :)

this is a special post thanking Bruno Mars for creating a wonderful song called "Grenade". those words are, wow, i feel like these are the words i would dedicate specially for this person i know. you know who you are. go download the song and listen the words carefully.

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live

Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give

Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

To give me all your love is all I ever asked

'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for you, baby

But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb

Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from

Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah

You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did

To give me all your love is all I ever asked

'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for ya, baby

But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire

Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames

You said you loved me, you're a liar

'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for you, baby

But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same

You wouldn't do the same

Ooh, you never do the same

No, no, no, no

yes, i would do all those things for you. but you won't do the same. won't ever. mad woman, bad woman indeed.

REALISATION

2010-11-30T01:45:00.000+11:00

“Dear pillow, sorry for all the tears.”

Have you ever had those times when you just feel angry so strong and when the other party apologized for what one has done, you said “yeah it’s alright” but as soon as you gave out the forgiveness, you regret saying those words?

I just had one. And wow the pain. Stabbed, so strong it just doesn’t bleed anymore, it’s running out of blood. The scar. Too deep it just can’t be cured no matter how many antidotes or medicines they say it may be able to.

Seperti kacang lupa akan kulitnya. A nut that forgets its shell. Those are the perfect words I really have been meaning to say to you. When you were having pathetic life, I picked you up from the ground and told you to be strong. I WAS there for you. And when you have actually become bright like a star, where are you? You just simply DITCHED me.

People, when you actually start loving someone, do you realize that you would do whatever it takes to make him or her feel happy? But what you guys just don’t grasp is that sometimes you’ve done so much, just too much, they start being in their “very-comfortable zone”. In this “zone”, you don’t know the real world anymore. You would not even realize that somehow in some ways, they start using you.

As soon as I tested everything out, I started to figure out how much he has been using me. Like a fool, I keep doing what he wants and keep telling myself “since he is the one I love the most, why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I?“

Not to mention how many times he doesn’t thank. I mean, seriously, is saying “thank you” a difficult thing to do? If it does, please let me know. Not that I really want anything, but some people just like being appreciated for what they have done for you.

I have lost respect on you, just so you know.

You don’t break the hearts of people you love. In every way possible, they are the most important ones in your life. They are those that make life worth living for. They are the ones that would hold on to you when things go wrong in your life. Even if your life were perfect, there would be the times when you would just need them. That’s why it is important to not destroy people’s feelings.

When are you going to stop being absurd, end treating me that way, and start to being mature? Because next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.

Stop showing off by letting the world knows how you are madly in love with someone else. Just keep it to yourself; it would lessen the ones who are madly in love with you. Just please.

words i've been meaning to say

2010-11-29T20:39:00.003+11:00

the words i really want to say to you. deep from the bottom of my heart.

thank you for breaking my heart. you seem to have the best ability doing that.

hearts with love, lessthanthree

2010-10-14T00:36:00.001+11:00

"If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips."

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I'll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can't forget the fun we've had
Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we're insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

(play the music when you are reading this, if ever)

dear you,

I don't think i would have the guts to say it to you today. if i had taken the will to say right to you, it is the courage i don't know where i got it from. i know it may sound douche, and i know i have been a douche actually. so, in case for the next 24 hours you don't hear anything from me, lemme just say it here.

happy birthday.

and since no one reads my blog anyways, why can't i just spill everything i want to say to you? for today, one of the special day of yours, i may not be there with you like what last year had been too.

you are special in my eyes. to me, until this day, you are someone who is just different from anybody else one could have ever met.

thank you for all the memories. thank you for being such a wonderful creature living in this world. i still can't even believe that God gave me the chance to meet a person like you until this very second i'm typing this out, where it started out like just another ordinary day, then suddenly my life is different in every way; a kind of meeting soul mates.. one of million chances.

and i have been sorry for all the tears, for all the arguments. regret is all my heart feels these days and i know i could not turn back time but if i ever could one day, i would chance everything.

do you know that i would kill to be with you today? although i know it is just impossible. glad to know that you are happy though, at least you are happy. God, please let her be happy for the whole day.

i can't believe it has been a year since the last time we had fun in front of your house throwing flour and eggs. the memory was still so vividly in my head. the very day where all of us gathered together, for one whole day, the WHOLE us :) it was really awesome. i miss us being together, i really do.

i miss you when something really good happens, because you're the one I want to share it with. i miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the one who understands me so well. i miss you when i laugh and cry, because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow, and my tears disappear. i miss you all the time, but i miss you the most when i lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life. :")

and last words ending this blogpost..
to me, you are my soulmate, you are my only exception, and you are the other half of me.
i love you, for love has always been a friendship.
i hope you know that, S.

yours,
D

ps. if you're alone, i'll be your shadow. if you want to cry, i'll be your shoulder. if you want a hug, i'll be your pillow. if you need to be happy, i'll be your smile... but anytime you need a friend, i'll just be me.

torture

2010-10-06T20:49:00.000+11:00

i've never fallen into the deepest abyss these long. this is the first time, longest time ever. and i don't know how long i have been crying right now.

she was different. in every ways. in every ways i never knew. i really didn't recognise her anymore.

please, Lord. guide me to your most faithful way. please. i don't know what to do anymore. i keep crying crying and crying. i don't have anyone else but You, Lord.

i feel like dying.

faith

2010-10-05T05:07:00.001+11:00

I cried so many times, God knows.
and yet, it is another painful day where God hasn't provided the answer to this matter.

and it seems like I just realised it today. yeah, I have lost it. I have lost a friend. I have completely entirely lost the bestest friend I have ever had.

Wanna know the story, guys? Simple. I did it. I did too much stupid stuff and everything breaks apart. and I just lost it.

Funny thing about it though.. I can't barely stop crying. Been over 5 hours now, and I just can't stop.

I have no one. I barely had one, and I lost it. I myself, lost it.

It has been almost 3 weeks, Lord. The most painful 3 weeks ever. I could hardly survive, alone. Nobody knows how it feels like, but me. It just sucks, with no one you could hang around with anymore.

This is why I hate my own country. I have no one, I might clearly have some, but it seems hard to reach them. I just don't belong here.

So perhaps, this is it. This is my very decision. I'm going out to USA. yes, I don't have anyone there I know, but let's just start everything back to zero.

I never know this could be happening, but yeah this is it. Got my mom's approval, just waiting for the very right moment to ask dad about this.

So, smile din :) smile you, dumbfool. smile you, smirky idiot. you may have lose a friend, but it's okay alright?

It's okay.. Stop crying.. *pat pat pat*

letter with wishes

2010-09-27T01:41:00.002+10:00

dear you,

ever felt as if you’re not whole anymore? like, you’ve lost your smile, your laugh, your own self. and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get back to the way things were before and you can’t get yourself back to the person you once were?

i did cry and anguished all the sorrow to people i love the most.
i did cover my face with pillow screaming how i felt being stabbed in the back.
and yes, i did pray to God that i wish he could turn back to the time where we first met; because i don't feel like wanting to know you at all.

this isn't the right way you treat someone. that is just it.

there is a thin line between love and hate.
and for once, i believe that.

but i miss you, and i am so in love with you. you annoy me more than i thought possible. but i want to spend every irritating minute with you.

crying and having no one to talk with is just too painful. i hope you know that.

ps. i always put you in every prayer i do :)

dear, friend.

2010-09-24T03:31:00.000+10:00

i know i'm not brave enough to tell you this.

and yes, just for you.
for the friend who is exactly half a year younger than me.

for the friend who was once i thought the bestest friend i had.

for the friend who was once there for me through it all.

for all the sorrow and happiness we once enjoyed together.

this question keep coming to my mind everytime i think about us.

have i actually lost you?

happy birthday, viona :)

ps. i miss sharing stories with you. :")

just the way you are :D

2010-09-23T19:22:00.001+10:00

Just for the perfect person I've ever met. You know who you are. :)

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her, she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay?
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause girl, you're amazing
Just the way you are, yeah

thought and cries

2010-09-17T01:25:00.001+10:00

hey people, readers, and passer-byers. this is the post where i am being an emo girl, so perhaps some people who could not stand reading this, i don't know what else to say except.. sorry.

yes, my life is a mess. really. i have been crying for the last 3 nights, not knowing where to share my stories to.

i need you the most tonight, why can't you understand that? but i should understand that there are the circumstances where you are just unavailable.

i really should bear with this by myself because this is the mistake i made myself.
i miss you, and i miss melbourne too.

and i really really really love you.

the ceremony with a poem

2010-07-29T01:16:00.000+10:00

hello, readers!

i attended my graduation ceremony today in monash college. man, it was awesome. i got the diploma and yes, i was so happy!

and during that ceremony, the principal actually did some speech and told some poem. it made my nerve up and some tinglings. i checked through internet and found the poem! YAY! here..

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool;
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental;
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams
before the crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life
is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing,
has nothing and is nothing;
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they simply cannot learn,
feel change, grow, love, Live
Chained by their certitude, they are a slave,
they have forfeited freedom;
Only the person who risks is free.

isn't it just awesome? feels like.. damn i can't explain. it's like the most meaningful poem i have ever heard in my life, so far. and yeah, here are some pictures! :D

LOOOOOVE the ceremony :D
takecare, readers!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just a story to make you appreciate more.

2010-07-27T14:52:00.002+10:00

Kulihat kembali tumpukan surat kabar di rak meja ruang tamu. “Kecelakaan Garuda Tewaskan Ratusan orang,” itulah topik yang selalu diberitakan dan menjadi hampir di semua surat kabar nasional yang terbit sekitar sebulan lalu. Tragedy itu jugalah yang menewaskan kedua orang tuaku dan membuat adikku satu-satunya terbaring koma sampai detik ini. Ada rasa sesal, sedih, kecewa, marah, dan benci yang teramat sangat. Kalau saja Tita adikku, tidak selalu merengek ingin liburannya ke Paris, pasti kecelakaan itu tidak akan membuatku, yang masih menjadi mahasiswa tingkat III, menjadi yatim piatu secepat ini.

Mungkin predikat anak sial yang kudeklarasikan untuk Tita memang tidak salah. Selama 15 tahun kurasakan betapa bahagianya menjadi anak tunggal yang selalu dimanja. Orang tuaku yang merupakan pengusaha sukses selalu memberikan apapun yang kuminta. Tapi kehadiran seorang adik di tengah-tengah kami menjadikan hidupku berubah 180 derajat. Mama lebih memperhatikan Tita, dan menyuruhku selalu mengalah. Tidak hanya itu, kedua orang tuaku pun selalu membelanya meskipun jelas-jelas Tita-lah yang bersalah. Ibarat putri raja yang seketika menjadi anak tiri. Menyebalkan! Kebencian itu sudah kupupuk semenjak mama dinyatakan positif hamil. Dan setiap hari hanya stress yang aku rasakan bila sudah berada di dalam rumah, karena tidak ada sedetik pun yang terlewat bahi Tita untuk tidak mengganguku.

Kejadian kecelakaan itu tidak membuat setitik pun rasa iba, bahkan kebencianku semakin memuncak padanya. Dialah yang merebut kebahagiaanku, dan dialah yang telah merenggut nyawa kedua orang tuaku. Kejadian itu benar-benar membawa kesialan bagi kehidupan pribadiku. Aku sudah tidak ada waktu lagi untuk jalan dengan teman-temanku. Bahkan Indra, pacarku, memutuskan hubungan kami hanya karena aku terlalu sibuk dengan Tita. Selama sebulan di rumah sakit, aku baru menjenguk Tita 3 kali, itupun hanya untuk mengurus administrasi dan sekerdar formalitas di depan dokter saja.

Hari ini aku menjenguk Tita. Gadis kecil yang diperlengkapi dengan selang dan alat bantu kehidupannya lainnya itu, terbaring di ruang ICU yang cukup luas dan bernuansa putih-putih. Saat melihat wajah itu hatiku selalu menjerit, “Dasar Pembunuh!! Kenapa kamu tidak mati saja sekalian! Anak sial, kamu tidak hanya merebut mama dan papa tapi teman-teman saya, Indra, dan semua kebebasan saya!!” tak terasa air mata mengalir di pipiku, bukan air mata kesedihan, tapi jelas air mata kebencian. Kenapa Tuhan tidak mencabut nyawanya saja sekalian. Kehidupannya hanya akan menjadi beban seumur hidupku!!

Tak kuasa menahan tangis, akhirnya aku keluar menuju taman rumah sakit dan duduk di salah satu bangku taman yang terlindung sengatan matahari oleh sebuah pohon yang rindang. Dan di situlah air mataku mengalir deras. Tiba-tiba kusadari ada gadis kecil dengan rambut dikuncir dua sedang memperhatikanku. Seketika itu pula aku teringat Tita, dan kebencian itu mendidihkan darahku kembali.

“Ngapain sih? Tidak ada kerjaan apa ngeliatin orang nangis. Anak kecil kayak kamu bukannya sekolah malah main-main di rumah sakit!” bentakku.

Yang dibentak hanya tersenyum.

“Namaku Rara, kakak siapa?”

“Yee… nih anak bukannya pergi. Udah deh, kakak lagi stress, jangan bikin kepala kakak jadi mumet.”

“Semua orang yang ke rumah sakit pasti mumet, tapi itulah hidup, kadang sehat, kadang sakit. Orang suka lupa sama tuhan kalau lagi sehat, tapi kalau sakit, apalagi deket-deket mau meninggal, eh bukannya taubat malah nyalahin Tuhan, kok tuhan ngasih cobaan seberat ini,” jawabnya yang membuatku melongo.

“Ih, dasar anak kecil sok tahu!!”

“Aku tahu, adik kakak sedang koma ya”

“Gak usah dibahas deh!! Gara-gara dia, mama dan papa meninggal.”

“Dia beruntung karena dia masih punya kakak. Aku juga sakit. Suatu saat nanti Tuhan akan mengambil penglihatanku, tapi aku yakin Tuhan akan membantu dalam kebutaanku karena Dia selalu adil pada semua orang, dan tidak akan membiarkan seorangpun mendapat cobaan yang tidak bias ditanggungnya.”

***

Kejadian hari itu benar-benar telah membuka mata hatiku. Seorang anak kecil telah mengajarkanku arti kehidupan. Ia benar, Tita hanya tinggal memilikiku. Aku tak pernah membayangkan bagaimana perasaannya saat ia tahu mama dan papa telah meninggal.

Entah mengapa akhir-akhir ini aku malah merindukan kehadiran Tita. Rumah ini benar-benar sepi tanpa canda dan kata-kata polosnya yang selalu membuat mama terpingkal-pingkal. Kulangkahkan kakiku ke kamar Tita di lantai atas. Kamar yang bernuansa pink, gambar kartun dimana-mana. Kamar yang tak pernah kudatangi sejak tragedi itu.

Tiba tiba mataku menangkap sebuah buku harian bergambar mickey mouse. Kubuka lembar demi lembar. Tak kusangka gadis berusia 7 tahun itu menulis segalanya tentang diriku.

“Kak Aurora adalah kakak paling cantik di dunia. Aku sayang padanya, amat cinta padanya. Aku hanya ingin kakak bahagia, aku ingin seperti teman-teman, aku ingin kakak mengajakku jalan-jalan, aku ingin kakak mengajariku matematika, karena dia sangat pintar. Tapi kok kakak tak pernah mau ya?? Aku sedih. Aku pernah bertanya sama mama apa kakak membenciku, tapi kata mama kakak sangat saying padaku, dia cuma tidak enak badan, makanya malas ngomong sama aku. Aku suka ngejahilin kakak, karena aku mau main sama kakak, tapi aku sedih karena kakak menampar mukaku. Aku tidak bilang sama papa, takut kakak dimarahi, dan nanti malah membenciku. Aku nangis semalaman saat kakak membuang kado ulang tahun yang aku kasih, padahal aku membeli kado itu dengan uang jajan yang aku tabung selama seminggu, sampai-sampai aku lapar karena tidak bisa jajan. Kakak,marah-marah waktu baju pestanya bolong. Tadinya aku cuma ingin menyetrika baju itu biar tidak kusut, tapi ketika lagi menyetrika, aku dipanggil mama, eh aku lupa, bajunya jadi bolong, terus aku dimarahin abis-abisan deh.

Diari, aku punya rahasia besar!! Kakak kan punya pacar namanya Indra, tapi aku tidak suka sama dia!! Aku tau dia punya pacar lain, kak Veronica, sahabat kak Aurora. Aku pernah liat meraka mesra-mesraan waktu aku nganterin mama ke mall. Tapi aku tidak berani bilang karena aku takut kakak marah dan tidak percaya, aku takut ditampar kayak waktu itu. Asyiik… besok aku ke Paris sama mama dan papa, tapi kakak tidak ikut karena lagi ujian, tapi aku janji akan beliin oleh-oleh yang buaaaanyak untuk kakak. Aku ingin kakak juga bahagia…”

Air mataku mengalir deras, kapalaku seperti terhantam ombak. Ya Tuhan, bagaimana selama ini aku menyia-nyiakan adik kandungku. Kecintaannya kepadaku yang mendalam malah kubalas dengan kebencian yang membara. Kado itu, baju pesta itu, dan tamparan yang merupakan puncak kekecewaanku, rahasia tentang Indra…..BODOH!!! Kamu adalah manusia yang paling kejam di dunia, Aurora. Adik yang bagaikan malaikat itu telah kau sakiti hatinya! Telah kau robek perasaannya! Adik yang selalu mengingatmu dan selalu berusaha untuk membahagiakanmu, malah kau tindas! Aku kembali teringat dengan tamparan itu. Aku menamparnya dengan sangat keras, sampai pipinya benar-benar merah, tapi ia hanya tersenyum dan bilang “Terima kasih, Kak.”

Ya Tuhan, izinkan aku untuk menebus dosa dan kesalahanku.

Tapi….semua itu terlambat. Tepat pukul 23.00 WIB malam itu, pihak rumah sakit meneleponku dan mengabarkan Tita telah pergi untuk selama-lamanya.

Sekarang aku sendiri, hanya sendiri. Permohonan bodohku agar Tuhan mengambil nyawa adikku benar-benar terkabul. Seminggu setelah pemakaman Tita, aku kembali ke rumah sakit untuk menemui Rara, tapi pihak tumah sakit mengatakan bahwa Rara telah meninggal semingu yang lalu. Ia terlindas truk, karena pada saat menyeberang, penyakit glukoma yang selama ini dideritanya telah menyebabkan kebutaan yang mendadak, sehingga ia tak mampu melihat saat ada truk yang melintas. Rara adalah gadis kecil yang selama ini dirawat oleh pihak rumah sakit. Dulu, Rara ditemukan di sebuah selokan karena dibuang oleh ibu kandungnya sendiri.

Dua orang gadis kecil yang telah mengajariku arti kehidupan dan memberikan cinta kepadaku, kini telah pergi untuk selamanya. Hanya penyesalan yang tersisa, tapi itu menjadi pelajaran yang amat berarti untuk masa depanku. Merekalah malaikat kecil yang selalu ada dan tetap akan ada untuk selamanya di dalam hatiku.\

-from facebook :)

*what a story*

whatever happens: happens :)

2010-07-12T23:11:00.000+10:00

banyaaaak banget yg udah terjadi selama 1-2 bulanan ini. selama ini sangking sibuknya, update blog jadi makiiiin jarang. padahal mau banget.

nah kebetulan sekarang ada waktunya. mari, kita telusuri hidup dina 2 bulanan ini.

sehabis last exam paper, kirain liburan udah di depan mata dan gw bisa berleha-leha, guling-gulingan di lantai 30 (hari) x 24 jem = 720 jem! tapi Tuhan berkata lain. liburan boleh berminggu-minggu, berbulan-bulan, tapi kesibukan tetep ada.

salah satunya dan emang satu-satunya: kerja. dapetin uang. raih cita-cita menjadi babutulen yg jenius di bidang menyapumengepeldanmembersihkanmeja. bidangnya panjang banget ya? iya dong, soalnya dia ga fitness, jadi badannya ga bidang. gw ngomong apa sih?

eniwei buswei, 1 bulan juni bener-bener sibuk kerja. well, plus watching worldcup. and that's that. sekarang uda bulan juli. beneran, juni ga kerasa banget.

the first week of that month, i bought myself a new laptop. my very own macbook, where i promised not going to buy any other laptops in the whole world anymore.

the second week, been busy with packing unpacking stuff, which is.. JENG JENG, pindah rumah! yeay! now, i'm living with shanny and her brother, robin. and just 3 of us in a house is really really peaceful. (bohong banget).

the third week, i asked my manager to increase more shifts for me and he did it. and since shanny is working in the same nandos, some of the days, she worked and i did not and i worked and she did not. jadi ga bisa dapetin waktu yang tepat buat jalan-jalan. have a sweet escape. the other day, we talked about going to Sydney and Goldcoast. sayang, waktunya uda kesemek, eh, keseterum, eh, keserempet.

and the fourth week, well, it went the same. work, not work, worldcup, and hell no, one month is GONE! dan seketika itu juga, tanggal enrolment dateng.

terlalu cepat semuanya. the next thing we know, it is already JULY!

and the very next thing i realised is how uni classes start NEXT WEEK! omg.

sedih banget, liburan ga serasa liburan. mana dicky pake acara pergi singapur, fotofotojalanjalan pula. aaaargh, kangen mereka. uda 9 bulan :( almost a month, dudes!

well, gw ga boleh protes. soalnya dibalik semua kesibukan yg udah Tuhan berikan, semua itu anugerah dariNya. ditambah lagi.. cinta. it makes my June just.. perfect.

yes, eiffel, i'm in love. and no you're right, i can't get enough of you.

random-> foto diambil: 16 juni 2006!

fathers' day :)

2010-06-20T23:43:00.000+10:00

cuma sepucuk notes for our dads.

Biasanya anak-anak yg jauh dari orang tuanya merasa kangeen sekali dgn mamanya.

Lalu bagimana dgn papa?

Mungkin mama lebih sering menanyakan keadaan anaknya setiap hari .tp taukah kamu jika papamu yg mengingatkannya utk menelfonmu?

Mgkn mama yg lebih sering mengajakmu bercerita,tp taukah kamu sepulangnya ia bekerja dgn wajah lelah ia selalu menanyakan kabarmu dari mama mu?

waktu kecil..

Papa mengajari putri kecilnya bermain sepeda. Setelah dia mengganggap kamu bisa ia melepaskan roda bantu di sepedamu, Saat itu mama menutup mata karena takut anaknya terjatuh lalu terluka.tp ayah dgn yakin menatapmu mengayuh sepeda dgn pelan karena dia tahu putri kecilnya pasti bisa.

Saat kamu menangis meronta meminta boneka yg baru,mama menatapmu iba,tetapi ayah mengatakan dgn tegas "kita beli nanti,tapi tidak sekarang" karena ia tidak ingin kamu menjadi manja dgn semua tuntutan yg selalu di penuhi.

ketika kamu remaja

kamu mulai menuntut utk keluar malam. Lalu papa mulai bersikap lebih tegas ketika mengatakan "tidak".
itu utk menjagamu karena kamu adalah sesuatu yg berharga.
Lalu kamu masuk ke kamar membanting pintu.
Tp yg dtg mengetok pintu dan membujuk mu adalah mama.
Taukah kamu saat itu dia memejamkan matanya dan menahan diri,karena Dia sangat ingin mengikuti keinginanmu. Tp lagi2 dia harus menjagamu.

saat seorang cowok mulai sering datang mencarimu, Papa akan memasang wajah paling cool sedunia. Dan sesekali menguping atau mengintip saat kmu sdg brdua di ruang tamu. Tahukah kmu dia merasa cemburu?

dan saat dia melonggarkan sedikit peraturan, kamu melanggar jam malamnya. Ia duduk di ruang tamu menunggu mu pulang dgn sangat2 khawatir. Wajah khawatir itu mengeras ketika melihat putri kecilnya pulang terlalu larut. Dia marah. Karena hal yg di takutinya akhirnya datang "putri kecilnya sudah tidak ada lg"

saat papa sedikit memaksamu utk menjd seorang dokter. Ketahuilah bahwa ia hanya memikirkan masa depanmu nanti. Tp toh dia tetap tersenyum saat pilihanmu adalah menjd seorang penulis.

sampai saat papa harus melepasmu di bandara. Bahkan badannya terlalu kaku utk memelukmu. Ia hanya tersenyum sambil memberi nasehat ini-itu. Dia ingin menangis seperti mama yg menangis dan memelukmu erat. Tp dia hanya menghapus sedikit air mata di sudut matanya dan menepuk pundakmu berkata "jaga diri baik2". Agar kamu kuat utk pergi.

saat kamu butuh uang untuk membiayai uang semester dan kehidupanmu, orang pertama yg mengerutkan kening adalah Papa. Berusaha mencari jalan agar anaknya bisa merasa sama dgn yg lain.

ketika permintaanmu bukan lg sekedar meminta boneka baru, dan ia tau ia tidak bisa memberikan. Dia sangat ingin mengatakan "iya nak,nanti kita beli" dan saat kata2 yg keluar adalah "tidak bisa" dari bibirnya. Tahukah kamu Ia merasa gagal membuat anaknya tersenyum.

saat kamu sakit dan tidak berada di dekatnya. Papa terlalu khawatir sampai kadang sedikit membentak berkata "sudah di blg jgn minum air dingin!".berbeda dgn mama yg memperhatikanmu dgn lembut.
ketahuilah saat itu ia benar2 khawatir dgn keadaanmu.

dan di saatnya nanti kamu wisuda sebagai seorang sarjana. Papa adalah org pertama yg berdiri dan memberi tepuk tangan utk mu. Dia yg tersenyum bangga dan puas melihat "putri kecilnya yg tidak manja berhasil tumbuh dewasa, dan telah menjadi seseorang"

sampai saat seorang teman hidupmu datang dan meminta izin mengambilmu darinya. Papa akan sangat berhati2 memberikan izin.karena ia tau laki2 itu yg nanti akan menggantikannya.

dan saat Papa melihat mu duduk di panggung pernikahan bersama seseorang yg di anggapnya pantas menggantikannya. Papa pergi kebelakang panggung,dan menangis "tugasku telah selesai dgn baik.putri kecilku yg lucu telah menjadi wanita yg cantik"

Papa hanya bisa menunggu kedatangan mu dan cucu2nya sesekali utk menjenguknya. Dgn rambut yg telah memutih dan badan yg tak lagi kuat utk menjagamu dari bahaya.

papa adalah sosok yg harus selalu terlihat kuat bahkan ketika dia tidak kuat utk tdk menangis. Harus terlihat tegas bahkan saat dia ingin memanjakanmu. papa jg orang pertama yg selalu yakin bahwa "kamu bisa" dalam hal apapun.

tersenyum dan bersyukurlah ketika kamu bisa merasakan kasih syg seorang papa hingga tugasnya selesai. kamu adalah salah satu org yg beruntung. Karna papa adalah sosok superhero yg hebat..

every dads are special, they are indeed the wisest men in this planet. not to forget, their smiles are the warmest of all. most importantly, he is every girls' first love :)

-------

happy fathers' day to everyone. let him know how meaningful he is, people.

and to my beloved father;
happy fathers' day, daddy. i love you, forever and always. until the end of time.
and i miss you.

a tough decision

2010-06-03T12:36:00.000+10:00

heihooo, my blog readers :D
my best greetings from melbourne.. i mean.. melbored. hahaii

right, it's been a while since i post a real blogging-type of post. and since i've got nothing going on right now, thought.. why not?

so, exam is finally OVER :) woohooo. i'm so elated, i can hardly express my real feelings. been deprived of sleeping for 2 weeks or so and this is it, this is the time for a.. PAYBACK!

so how were my papers, you may ask? they were too tough. law and macro were the toughest of all, statistics and marketing of mine might help to pull the score up. i do hope i don't fail. if this is messed up, then.. i don't know what to say anymore.

so, yeah, shanny has finally got herself a job in nandos (chadstone like me :D) and it has been making herself busy this whole week. but i really loved working with her that day. i finally i have someone close working together. we could talk together when we've got nothing to do and stuff.

gosh, i really am elated with no reasonable ground.

speaking of which, all of us have finally submitted our chosen path for uni. was damn thinking hard about myself, about whether i should continue studying here or not, about what school i should take; whether it is going to be monash again or any other cheaper places. and yeah after those discussions helter skelter.. i finally made a decision for taking.. *drum rolls*

BACHELOR OF BUSINESS (LAW) in monash caulfield.

*Whaaaaaaaat...?!* you may think. and, i knoooow, right?

i would barely want to see my results on the 11th, and i know how sleep-deprived i was to study just a simple core subject of business law. now, i want to take this damn thing for another 2 years?

well, mates. i've got no better explanation than this.

law is me. dinna is law(yer). well i pray to be one, i would want to be one. it may be tough, it may be the most difficult degree of all. but, i want to try this. let me pursue this long-wanted dream of mine. let me be me :)

so this is the end of today's post. i just want this thought to be put on words so that someday, if i ever think of giving up, i could read on why i have been holding on for so long on this.

and yes dear,
310510 was us, 310510 was you and me, and 310510 was LOVE <3

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

misses

2010-05-04T23:23:00.000+10:00

i miss you,
i miss the sound of your voice in my ears,
i miss the way you shake in my arms when you laugh,
i miss the way your smile just brightens up my day, and my world.

i miss the way you make me feel,
because no one could ever make me feel the way you do,
the feeling where i feel so much complete,
when you are around, i feel so happy,
and yet almost scared i feel excited and overwhelmed,
i feel so many things that its hard to describe,
sometimes it makes me fumble over my words.

i miss the way you are.
i miss everything you say.
everything you do makes me smile and laugh.
i miss the way you look at me, your eyes are the most perfect eyes God has ever made.

i miss us,
i miss holding you in my arms,
i miss being stupid with you,
i miss listening to music with you,
i miss holding your hands,
i miss going on walks together,
i miss watching tv over the phone together,
I miss the feeling of your lips on mine,
i miss holding your hand until you fell asleep,
i miss being with you,

i miss YOU.

*this is so wrong and i can't go on, do you believe that should be me?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the butterflies.

2010-04-22T16:30:00.000+10:00

totally feeling like giving these words out for you. reason? i miss you way too much.

rasa cinta yang dulu tlah hilang
kini berseri kembali
telah kau coba lupakan dirinya
hapus cerita lalu

dan lihatlah
dirimu bagai bunga di musim semi
yang tersenyum
menatap indahnya dunia
yang seiring menyambut
jawaban segala gundahmu

setiap waktu wajahmu yang lugu
selalu bayangi langkahku
telah lama kunanti dirimu
tempat ku kan berlabuh

cahya hatiku
yakinlah kekal abadi selamanya
seperti bintang
yang sinarnya terangi
seluruh ruang di jiwa
membawa kedamaian

walau badai menghadang
ingatlah ku kan selalu setia menjagamu
berdua kita lewati jalan yang berliku tajam

resah yang kau rasakan
kan jadi bagian hidupku bersamamu
letakkanlah segala lara di pundakku ini

i have been feeling those butterflies in my stomach, dear. really..afterall that has been happening, do i really not deserve a second chance?

i wish you could read this. i wish so.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one more time, dear.

2010-03-24T11:54:00.000+11:00

each day is so slow and so hard
because no matter how hard i try to reveal my heart
you can’t see it

i just resent the time that’s gone by
no matter how much time changes, i’m always sad

i miss the image of the warmhearted you standing beneath the umbrella
though i wipe these tears again, i’m always sad

i promise that a tomorrow that we both share will find us
i promise that a happiness that we both share will find us
i’ll always be by your side

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time
like the stars that shine brightly in the night sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

just for you :D

2010-03-21T17:48:00.001+11:00

For you to read :)

YOU + ME :)

2010-03-11T10:36:00.000+11:00

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

tingling of miss.

2010-02-26T01:30:00.006+11:00

"I want to be there for you. I do, but i can't do this anymore. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first." via queenofpromises.tumblr.com

(#nowplaying - colbie caillat's fall for you)

i miss you.
i miss you like.. hell tonight.
i actually miss you like.. the whole day. after a sudden listening to that song this morning, i could not stop thinking about you. about you and me. about us, just us the whole day and this has made me so drained and frustrated every second.

because somehow the world wants us to be that separated. and i have a fear that this would come true. and it is happening.

--------------------

honestly, the new last trimester has just started since.. 5 days ago. and i feel like the world is going to collapse in just a while. it is just the first week and i have this bad feeling for whatever that might be happening for the next 12 weeks. i really have this fear. the fear i have never felt before, just like a de-javu, but it just haven't come around.

and the second honest fact is.. well my friends have been coming back from their hometown but.. i just feel like.. they are different. some just changed and deep down i can't actually believe that they could change that fast for a 3-weeks holidays.

though i don't know what has happened, but it might just only be my own feeling for this. it might be me who is changing not them. but is it wrong for me thinking that they are the ones that have changed somehow?

but whatever unknown feeling i might have right now, there is one thing i am certain about..

i miss you. i really do. i am thinking of you, but i am so afraid.

pursuit of happiness

2010-02-20T06:25:00.008+11:00

what if someone you love the most is actually someone that hurts you the very most?
what if apologizing seems like being taken for granted?
what if your feelings towards the other is not only unseen, but is also not being understood?
what if the one you can trust and depend on the most suddenly seems like disappears from your life?

"Trust me, I know how it feels. I know how it exactly feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it's like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything that hurts so bad, you wanted it to end. I know exactly how it feels." via kathybreezy.tumblr.com

i'm having a problem of understanding what life is for these couple of days. what is my intention in life? and what would life be like if i don't exist? would life be easier if there is no me? would life be harder for some people? would it bring more happiness to certain people than what it actually is now?

a difficult topic to be brought up, it seems, eh?

some people can hardly make this crossing their mind because they do enjoy life of happiness. they know what the motives of their lives making life seems so.. simple. for me, na-ah, i haven't been able to enjoy my life to the fullest.. so far. some just lied and ran, and proved themselves to be nothing worth our attention.

i swore, it was really an easy task to do, yet people were just messing it up and making it effing hard. effing hard! demit.

but i understand now. love means having to forgive even when it hurts. it's about letting go and not looking back, it's about holding tight and saying sorry, it's about caring and worrying, it's about forgiving but not forgetting, it's about giving without receiving. although sometimes.. it's about crying and suffering.

"Too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do. Scared of what people might think if we tried. We let fears stand in the way of our hopes. We say no when we want to say yes. We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut. Why? After all, we do only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid. Sometimes, you just have to stop thinking so much. If it feels right, it probably is. Just go with it." - via persistentlove.tumblr.com

ps. what you gave me the other day was so.. surprising. i think.. i was over the moon. :) the smile, the smile was really unbearably warm. i swear i will not forget the courage you've taught me so i can move on like this.

"Every memory of looking out the back door, I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor. It’s hard to say it, time to say it. Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for. It's hard to say it, time to say it. Goodbye, goodbye."

- Nickelback *and i miss my Lizzie so much when i listened to this song. are you having a good life there, liz? :)*

stupidity.

2010-02-14T23:26:00.006+11:00

Right now at this very second,

Someone is thinking of you.
Someone cares about you.
Someone wants to talk to you.
Someone hopes you aren't in trouble.
Someone wants you to be happy just for you.
Someone thinks you ARE a gift.
Someone loves you.
Someone thinks the world of you.
Someone would do anything for you.
Someone wants to be forgiven.
Someone is grateful for your forgiveness.
Someone wants to tell you how much they care.
Someone wants to share their dreams with you.
Someone wishes she could STOP time because of you.
Someone loves you for who you are.
Someone hears a song that reminds her of you.
Someone stayed up all night thinking about you.
someone misses your guidance and advice.
Someone values your guidance and advice.
Someone has faith in you.
Someone needs you to have faith in them.
Someone will cry when they read this.

happy chinese new year and happy valentine's day for those who are celebrating.

me? i'm not. maybe CNY yeah i do celebrate it on my own. like wearing this new spongebob shirt the whole day? err, not really like the whole day since i worked from 12pm-4pm. so i started to wear directly after work just now. hmm. and bought some stuff in chadstone and cooked at home! yeii, but still.. alone.

again, this word really does stab my heart. i should less often talk about that.

since so, there is no happy valentine's day for me. well except the part in workplace. i felt so blessed somehow. but overall, i don't and won't care about this love day anymore. the one promised to lied and the one didn't promise to ran. sighs.

promised not to cry, at least not before 12 am later. mum would be so angry if i cry i guess. there is this superstition about crying on the very first day of the year. so, tahan din, tahan. sebentar lagi.

isn't it ironic? we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us.

ps. i really did hope we could get along in this love day. i really hoped no one made me cry today. and you were the person i least expected.

pps. i won't listen to any promises that people make already. yes, let me just be a loner and for once, i would really really appreciate that if you could just try to put yourself in my shoes. because i hate this, i hate arguing with you like because i don't want to lose you.

ppps. sometimes when you are about to cry, remember the good times. it will prevent you from crying, though it might just help for a little while.

and yes no matter what has happened, i miss your heart at the very most tonight.

love is something that can be both sweet and enjoyable. that is what i have always believed.
but ever since the first time i met you i have learned
that at times love can be painful.
that at times love can be bitter.
but most importantly, i learned that love can be more precious than anything.

fearless :D

2010-02-13T23:11:00.001+11:00

"To me, FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."

- Taylor Swift :)

see how my girl crush said that so damn well?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

good day peeps. :) a very good day indeed. i could see myself smiling when i'm typing this. this is the post i have been waiting for to tell you guys about. mm hm,

TAYLOR SWIFT FEARLESS TOUR 2010!! rawwwwrr

okay, first of all if you guys have read my post before (if not, read now laa, go see first then come back) about how i would get to see her LIVE, i was not excited. imma like.. "yeah guys, so im so bored that i feel like watching the concert. it's not like i would reaaaally love to see Taylor, i just feel like going to a concert because i'm bored. kill time you know hmm hmm hmm.."

but, after seeing her performing like THAT! for that 2.5 hours, my heart was just.. flabbergasted. she is really the most most most awesome person i have ever seen!! (err.. actually my mum is the most most most awesome person because she was the one bringing me into this world, so don't tell her what i'm writing about here.)

how could there be a person that all around the world loveee so much and would do anything just to see her? "nobody's perfect" is not a good quote anymore after seeing her perform because Taylor is like the most most perfect person EVERRR! down-to-earth, beautiful, never seem to do bad things (proof: there has never been any bad news about her, like Rihanna or Britney and the gang), and most importantly, she gets her inspiration of her songs from boys and love, and unrequited love. and her songs are mostly about our feelings, about our actual love lives, she writes and making songs like a diary. and she actually does believe in fairy tales :)

"just the whole idea that love is so interesting cause we can't figure it out. there's very few very rare examples of people to get it right and find a right person. but until it is right, it is wrong. and so which we spend our time trying to figure out all these about it and all the intregacy and writing songs about that.. it is so fascinating." - her! :)

for a 20-years-old girl to be a winner of 4 awards in grammy awards and everything, she is soooo damn awesome.

alrighty, here is some stories about my concert. Taylor and I were so close that day. like really close like that picture from above. and it was probably the best day i have ever had in melbourne, that thursday. yes it was raining, heavily to say. and my body was in a total mess when i went inside, but overall, it was all worth it.

i was like really in front of the stage and it was my first concert ever and the coolest ever! how she got into water and stuff, oh my gawd.

simply saying, spectacular and superb.

but truthfully saying, i really wish i could see and talk to her face-to-face. now i have forgotten little bit by little as to what has actually happened that day.

ps. you are like a magic in my eyes.

over-limit

2010-02-10T05:32:00.006+11:00

usually, when people are desperate, they will seek help to their closest friends or relatives. well you can call me abnormal, because i seek for help.. to a doll! i talked so much, i cried damn hard, and told everything to a doll! something that doesn't talk, something that doesn't respond, more importantly, something that doesn't encourage!

kadang rasanya cuma mau teriak aja, sekenceng mungkin, segila mungkin, seganas mungkin, segarang mungkin dan ga ada yang peduliin. tau perasaan itu? perasaan dimana kita lagi terlalu sendiriannya, terlalu terlalu terlalu terlalu terlalu sendiriannya, and all you could think about is nothing else but anger and disappointment?

for the past few days, i have some problems with my family. some stuffs are just so tough perhaps. how i wish i could have a twin like Go Mi Nam. i don't know the connection with my problem but i just feel like having a twin. people often say, your twin is like your soul mate. maybe that's why it is. i feel like wanting to know one.

i used to have this thought where everybody in this world actually has their twins. those people look alike to your face, body might as well be the same, but personality is a total different. come to think about it, i forgot that i used to have this thought though before i started watching 'You're Beautiful'.

fyi, i do all these stuff because i care for you. i don't want anything in return, but i just hope you can just understand.

ga ada orang di dunia ini yang ga benci sama pengingkar janji. no one ever likes them, and so do i. i really really hope you are able to read this.

p.s.
you don’t know what you put me through. all those sleepless nights when i was thinking about this. all those mixed signals i got from you. i’d be down a majority of the time just because of you. you did a lot to me and most of it you didn’t see. you've hurt me. you really, truly have hurt me.

p.p.s.
i can't even utter the words 'i love you'
because my heart is cursing,
my yearning for you keeps overflowing.
it's like a thorn prickling in my throat, those sad words.
all day long, those words are the only words swirling in my ears.

i call you a thousand times, but you don't know it,
i always wait for you, but you don't seem to know it,
like a fool, my foolish love only sees you
you don't know it no matter how much i call you.

ignore this post. i just feel too lonely and too tired of crying when typing all these. i have a saddening life here. being in my innermost solidity has never been a problem until these days. i used to be able to handle everything but i just can't see as to why i could not manage to control my feelings.
and yes, most of my next posts will be posts like this one as well, so just don't visit if you mind with that. thanks a bunch.

and yes,
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you; and what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay? I'm falling to pieces." - The Script

scribbles and nibbles

2010-02-07T00:32:00.006+11:00

bingung.

akhir-akhir ini, gue sering kebangun di tengah tidur, ga sadar tapi bentar-bentar nangis sendiri sampe ketiduran lagi. aneh. ga ada alesannya. see how i am this pathetic?

okay, post kali ini sebenernya random banget. ada banyak hal-hal random yang mau gue ngomongin. so bear with me.

first of all, i am going to watch taylor swift's concert in melbourne. yep, it is confirmed today. hihi. tadi itu baru baca how she tweeted "Sydney, Australia.. You just stole my heart."
terus baca-bacain semua balesan-balesan dari fans-fans dia. ada yang dari Brisbane, konser Taylor Swift disana kan uda lewat dari 2 hari yang lalu, dan this person ga dateng, dia nyesel banget. ada juga yang dari sydney, bilang seberapa deketnya dia sama Taylor Swift pas di konser tadi. ada banyaaaak banget orang-orang indo yang bales juga, semua kebanyakan nanyain kapan Taylor Swift bisa dateng ke Indo. ada juga dari jepang, filipin, brazil, rameee deh. sampe Sydney and Australia jadi trending topic walaupun cuma sekitar 1 jem gitu.

so yeap, i have bought the ticket, i am so going. well, with.. only me myself. and i did read how people in sydney have been queuing on the line from 7.30 AM when the concert will just start at 7.30 PM! were they mad or something? well, i think i might as well be mad, since i have been thinking of doing the same damn thing. kalo mereka ngerasa this is all worth it, it will be! :)

jadi apa yang mesti gue lakuin untuk 4 hari ke depan? right, HAPALIN LIRIK-LIRIK LAGU TAYLOR SWIFT yang belom bisa! yikes, pokoknya harus bisa ikutan teriak-teriak sama orang-orang nanti. :)

(ps. oh ya, ada 1 cowo di sydney yang cuma ditatap matanya (made eye contact) sama Taylor Swift padahal, sampe hampir pingsan loh katanya. hampir ditelpon ambulans. LOL entah lebai ato bukan)

second of all, i have been this.. jealous, actually. of something. of something really big. and by big i mean it hurts my heart so so so damn bad. sometimes, i just wonder, is it possible if i just ignore and pretend nothing actually happens? i have actually been so baaad baaaad to myself because i am able to hurt my heart *splash* just like that. and in a nanosecond, i would just burst in tears.

yep taktiknya huacelei kaga mempan! apanya gigitin lidah kenceng-kenceng bisa nahan nangis. MENIPU! waktu jamannya meteor garden gue bisa demeeen banget sama dia kan gara-gara cara penangkal tangisan yang dia bilang itu. hais.

third of all, i have watched marley and me and night at the museum. soo kewl. actually marley and me ga sampe abis sih, secara CD nya ruSUCK! and NATM kereeeen. kocak bagus! should have watched since few years ago. sekarang mo cari sekuelnya juga darimana coba?

fourth of all, demi lovato's songs have actually been supporting me. this song called 'believe in me' and 'catch me'? if anyone of you have not listened of those before, go chack them out. encouraging and the tune? love them.

and the last of all, i have stuck myself in house for about 3 days now! isn't that lame? and this actually makes me cry now. shucks. T.T

ps. jangan jelesjeles lagi, din. jelek tau nangis mulo ='(
pps. sometimes, all i need is just a pair of listening ears.

and yes, whenever you do that, have you ever thought of my feelings? have you ever considered about how hurt, how painful everything takes for me? my heart is spoiled, damn it. i feel like there are 21 knives pointing directly onto my heart ready to shoot at any time. i need a friend, i mean so damn much right now. Jesus.

POSTconsciousness and PREanxiety

2010-02-05T23:27:00.003+11:00

that was just so.. LOL. spongebob with wondergirls singing NOBODY!

greetings peeps. so i have become addicted with a website called tumblr, these days. right, so if you guys don't know what tumblr is, you are pleased to see an example of tumblr blog, here is one example.

http://kari-shma.tumblr.com/

this is one of the tumblr blogs that i looove the most, mainly may because she has got so many good quotes and pics. well, yeah that's what tumblr basically is. for me, tumblr blog is like a scrapbook.. online. sounds cool, huh? so what are you waiting for? call 1800-000-1234567890. when you reach the mailbox, call again, and again, and again, and again, and.. zzzz.

oh yeap? my page? umm err dowan to tell you leh. hehe. too shy larh. if you want to see, just post a comment in the tagbox, if i know you i may let you see. *piss out!

anyways, Taylor Swift is coming around to Melbourne next week. what do you think? =D
i may want to be there, you know. she is one of the greatest artists i have ever known. let's see!

and not to forget that there are many good movies coming out next week. Percy Jackson, valentine's day, and the Wolfman. all these seem so interesting and good to watch. anyone cares to accompany me watching here? some more not-to-be-missed movies are: Robert Pattinson's 'Remember Me'; Jennifer Aniston & Gerald Butler's 'Bounty Hunter'; Cirque Du Freak; how to train your dragon; Spy Next Door; The Last Song; Shrek Forever After, and Channing Tatum's 'Dear John'.

well, are they not called MANY? all of them are coming to Australia's cinemas, but if my heart does not have the feelings to watch, it'd be a shame, wouldn't it? well, i have never felt this nervous for my exam results before. well, i felt this feeling a year ago, waiting for my O levels results that my sister saw and told via phone. it was.. alright; cause somehow i thought i did fairly well during the period.

but not this time. it is so strange how my heart would skip a beat every time i mention the word 'accounting'. my God yes, i am so damn afraid of the results, boy. i really am. dreamed where i got 34 last night and woke up with beads of sweats all over me. gawd.

and some headachesandvomits with noreasons why. i hope nothing goes wrong. i just hope so.

ps. some people just need forgiveness in their life. DAMN IT!

pps. Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too. - Will Smith

ppps. if i had never met you, i wouldn't like you. if i didn't like you, i wouldn't love you. if i didn't love you, i wouldn't miss you. but i did, i do, and i will.

and so, i'm going to smile like nothings wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me.

a stupid convo.

2010-02-03T14:14:00.002+11:00

a stoooopid conversation between 2 sillish sisters.

pi: sis, i need to reach you, there's an 'urgent' msg from mum. call or skype?

me: yeap just call me.

*a blocked number calls*

pi: hey, so yeah, mum told me to tell you that tomorrow is the actual CNY day.

me: yeap i was told that way 2 days ago. why?

pi: what?! you know?! mum told me to tell you because she thought you still don't know.

me: well i know.

pi: oh.. okay.. and you should go outside TODAY and buy yourself a new pinkish or purplish shirt.

me: what? im planning to stay home the whole day today.

pi: NO. mum told you to buy good new clothes to be worn tomorrow. and oh yeah tomorrow you cannot sweep at all.. until 12. and..

me: WHAT? i cannot sleep at all? wha.. wha.. why?! you know I AM A PIG! i don't care i want to get more sleep.

pi: noo. sweep sweep i mean. cleaning the room laaa.

me: *krik krik krik* okay like who's gonna clean the room today or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow anyway? *i don't care*

pi: LOL. and tomorrow you should have a good food to eat, like herbal soup or steamed fish or..

me: what?! im planning to just cook instant noodles. iiih! is this what you call urgent?

pi: you know last night when denty and i were planning to sleep already, there was this ringtone ringing on my phone. i got a bad feeling when i reached it because i know it's either you or mum. see? it WAS mum. and she was like telling me there's something realllly urgent and to turn on the computer and get online for a while. since denty has got to go to school tomorrow, i was the one scroggferled (i don't even know whether this word exists). then she told me it is THIS stuff. aiyoooh!

me: lol. you should have ignored the message and pretended to fall asleep already laaa.

pi: hais, i would do that if she did not emphasize the word 'urgent'. now how i'm feeling right now? now i should wait for denty to get back and go together to get new shirts, and she has CCA today and SS test tomorrow. and she's going to be back at 6. haissss!

me: why should you wait for her? go buy her the new shirt since she has a test tomorrow as well!

pi: what.. NO! she's damn fashionable, i'm damn unfashionable. her taste and mine are a total difference.

me: whahahahaha. you foool. then wait for her.

---------

that is the most important funniest ones. 一大早就让我笑的半死！she really knows how to make my eyes widely awake!

ps. thank God i have her to start my day today. cheeers to all of you bloggers. have a great day too :)
pps. and the seventh thing i like the most that you do.. you make me love you. you do.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

a touching life story.

2010-02-02T14:36:00.001+11:00

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For
many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's
showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told
him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited
signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private
study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine
son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son
a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man
opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily,
he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you
give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
book.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in
business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his
father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He
had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make
arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had
passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He
needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and
regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and
saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With
tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he
read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope
taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the
sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,
and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not
packaged as we expected?

the sickness of loneliness

2010-02-01T23:34:00.001+11:00

"why is it that every time things seems to be going well, something just HAS to happen to f*** it all up?"

for god knows how long it has been already, my heart aches. it never feels this empty, it never feels this lonely, it never feels this unsure, it never feels this shitty. for of course, it may change the course of one person's life, for.. ever perhaps so.

dear vienna,
you are in Europe. i may not be able to reach you that far. owl city even misses you sometime. but he does not forget to make a song for you. sure that song has been so famous so far. vienna, see how people all around the world are starting to know you more? you know.. it's amazing how one moment can just change everything. may it be good or bad, but i know things change for a reason. it doesn't just happen without one. it happens because there's something better out there, that is what i have been trying to convince myself, at the very least.

Dear Vienna, are you singing? Dear Vienna, are you swinging?

--------

you’re not the breath i breathe, just the sweet scent that i enjoy. you’re not the sights i see, just the most beautiful of them. you’re not the water i drink, just the flavor that makes it taste so good. you’re not the ground i walk on, just the partner i sometimes lean on. you’re not the blood in my veins, just what makes it burn so sweetly. you’re not my life, just the one i want to spend it with. you’re not my world, just the best thing in it. and for all of these, i thank you.

every single day i wake up wondering what keeps this smile going.
every single night i go to bed knowing that it's you.

"because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. no matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment." *aslyn - that's when i love you*

do you know? we were given: two hands to hold. two legs to walk. two eyes to see. two ears to listen. but why only one heart? because the other wdas given to someone else for us to find.

thank him for all these encouraging sweet words he has given to me. at the very least, i feel like i'm so blessed to have him in my life.

my soundtrack of crying

2010-01-22T18:36:00.000+11:00

well here it is. the song that makes me cry in agony.

i'm staring at the glass in front of me,
is it half empty?
have i ruined all you've given me?
i know i've been selfish,
i know i've been foolish,
but look through that and you will see,
that i'll do better.
i know, baby i can do better.

if you leave me tonight,
i'll wake up alone,
don't tell me i will make it on my own.
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
if you leave me tonight.

sometimes i stare at you while you are sleeping,
i listen to your breathing,
amazed how i somehow managed to,
sweep you off of your feet girl,
your perfect little feet girl,
i took for granted what you do,
but i'll do better.
i know, baby i can do better.

if you leave me tonight,
i'll wake up alone,
don't tell me i will make it on my own.
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
if you leave me tonight.

and don't you know,
my heart is pumping,
oh, it's putting up the fight.
and i've got this feeling,
that everything's alright.
don't you see?
i'm not the only one for you,
but you're the only one for me.

if you leave me tonight, i'll wake up alone.

if you leave me tonight,
i'll wake up alone,
don't tell me i will make it on my own.
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sink 'til it dies,
if you leave me tonight.

i just wish that i can surpass this and be stronger. but why can't i stop crying? just tell me why.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

達浪~ 達浪~

2010-01-21T04:26:00.003+11:00

達浪, 達浪, 達浪, 達浪, 達浪, 達浪, 達浪, 達浪...

heyya peeps. blogging seems to be one of my resolutions for this new year, yet i can hardly find some time to post some. so here is one, to make my words.. a bit true.

as you can see from above.. yeaaaahh, i have been one of those fans of HI MY SWEETHEART! rawwwwr*

okay, for those of you who do not know what that is, this is probably the best drama i have ever watched so far. it used to be "fated to love you" with its twisted plots and tears. but this.. with its jokes and arguments here and there, i salute the director. *salute, boss.*

anyways, been trying to find the songs and got most of the awesome ones so far, and because of this (i am really blaming on this, seriously), i lack of STUDY! oh my dalang, final exam is JUST next week. i don't know ANYTHING. *nicoleschwezingermealaaaa!

management
accounting
micro economics
marketing

and after that, i will be free for 3 weeks. free? what do you think? i am. the rest are going back to their home countries while i will be the one earning money for the next 3 weeks. i thought some people would stay accompanying, when actually.. there is no one will. well, honest answer, si dinna cape nangisin dirinya sendiri. *sighs

nvm, alone has always been my nature. even when bill gates invites all people to his party, i might be the last person considering to come. *no connection*

so i got on the roller coaster you convinced me wouldn't be scary, and for a while i felt safe and wasn't even worried, then out of nowhere there was a drop and i tried not to look down, but when we reached the bottom, your absence and a broken heart was all i found.

the thing is.. you ran away. you did. you left me disappointed. i am dishearted. you broke my heart and ripped my world apart.

i wish i was the sun. because that way, i could see you smile every day, and that i was the one you longed to see when it rained. so that i may always hold you in a warm embrace, that you may long for me as the cold of night violently wraps itself around you. yes, your smile is all i ever need. anything will be fine by me.

"say you're sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to
as i paced back and forth all this time 'cause i honestly believed in you
holding on, the days drag on;
stupid girl, i should have known, i should have known." Taylor Swift's.

----

"Your best friend is the one who's laughed with you, cried with you, and despaired with you.
Your best friend is the one who loves and accepts all the strange or quirky things about you.
Your best friend is the one who's shirts are stained with mascara from your tears.
Your best friend is the one who can look at you and have a whole conversation without moving their mouth once.
Your best friend is the one who's seen you at your worst, and said you were the best.
Your best friend is the one who fought for and defended you-even when they knew you were wrong.
Your best friend is the one who can honestly say "I love you." and not think twice about how it was taken.
Your best friend is the one who crashes on your couch at four in the morning.
Your best friend is the one who kicked you in the ass and straightened you out when you were about to make a big mistake.
Your best friend is the one who knows you inside out.
Your best friend is the one who never has to ask- they already know the answer.
Your best friend is the one with whom you can't play twenty questions because they already know the answer to every question.
Your best friend is the one who fought with you, missed you, and made up with you after many bitter exchanges were made.
Your best friend is the one who stood by your side when you were having a hard time, and always forgave you for being a b*tch.
Your best friend is the one who doesn't expect an apology but deserves one.
Your best friend is the one who covered for you to keep you out of serious trouble.
Your best friend is the one who never judged you for what you had done, never called you a dirty name because you had been less than good.
Your best friend is the one who is your main partner in crime.
Your best friend is the one who will always need you and miss you in times of need when you can't be there, but knows you would be if it was possible.
Your best friend is the one whom you may need most, who will always seek your company, but will push you away to avoid pulling you down with them when they know they can't win."

thank you. i cried because of this. i really did. :'(

sometimes, in life as time passes, we learn who actually deserves our attention the most. some are gone leaving disappointment behind, others proved they are worth our care.

hey, 2010 :)

2010-01-02T04:39:00.000+11:00

before we begin anything. here, this should explain how i am feeling right now.

獨送昏暗莫離的風回憶裡被愛
那股激動天色好紅
溫柔好濃在胸口浮現你的面容
一起活在這城市迷宮提起你名字
心還跳動卻沒重逢
只留下碰卻又不敢碰的那種激動
也許我們當時年紀真的太小
從那懵懵懂懂走進各自天空
該怎麼說讓彼此選擇但思念還轉動

當又一次美夢落空回憶裏被愛
那股激動天色好紅
溫柔好濃在胸口浮現你的面容
也許我們當時年紀真的太小
從那懵懵懂懂走進各自天空
那是甚麼讓彼此選擇又不僅是尊重

不能握的手從此匿名的朋友
其實我的執著依然執著
與你無關淚自行吸收
不能握的手卻比親人更親厚
當所有如果都沒有如果
只有失去的溫柔最溫柔

不能握的手從此匿名的朋友
其實我的執著依然執著
卻決心和你不再聯絡
不能握的手
卻比愛人更長久
當所有如果都沒有如果
只有失去的擁有最永久

so yeah, HAPPY NEW NEW YEAR. i am going to stuck with my management in a while. but after that, i will be free. just wait. another few days. so this is it.

2010!

i really love google's new year logo. so damn nice.
so peeps. here we are in a new calendar. a new resolutions. a new you. a new me. a new us.

once again, welcome 2010. i shall not frown anymore, for frown will only bring unhappiness to some people. i guess.

ps. i will blog more this year. i will make some new resolutions soon. i will become a better person. i hope i could survive through the year, at least that is my first.. hope.

bid-farewell

2010-01-01T00:24:00.000+11:00

last day of 2009. and i am so going to remember this moment. right at very this moment DOCKLANDS where i am going to watch fireworks.

SAYONARAAAA 2009 :)

it hasn't really been a good year for me to lay down. i did not appreciate whatever i have. but, to me, loving you for the whole year has always been the most sufficient thing i have ever done. i just hope.. that next year it will not be this hard. i just hope.. i could be a little, just a little more stronger.

happy new tear 2010. i mean, year. may your new year's eve be the best wherever you are.

newborn King

2009-12-29T04:30:00.001+11:00

"在你眼里只看得见我那些负面的形象使你越来越讨人厌，我已经受够了. 就好像你一直在做的，把一些都告诉你的朋友，好让他们会更讨厌我，这不都是你想要的结果吗？"

salam hangat, kudos. malem ini keknya emang malem yang bagus buat nge-blog.
kata2 diatas diperuntukkan kepada saudara yang merasa bisa membaca dan mengartikannya sendiri. dan merasa kalo semua itu untuknya. translate: those words above are for the people who can read and know the meaning only, and feel like the words are for them. otherwise, don't ask.

okay, so. it has been some couple of days or so since christmas, so here it is!

dinna spent this year's christmas in melbourne. should i not be thankful for that? yes, merry christmas, Jesus. merry christmas my Lord. Glory to the newborn King :)

come to think about it, i really.. did not go to church on that special day of His. i know He must be so angry to me, since these couple of days.. i have not got any kinds of luck charms.. at all.

i regret for this.

and yeah, i may want to post some new stuffs about my new job in nandos chadstone. it has been about 3 weeks already so far. some of the days, i enjoy working there, but most of the times, people do not seem to really welcome new person.

i have this eye on someone, i mean literally like i feel she can be a friend i could hang on to, but whenever i get the shifts with her, the way she tells me to do this and that makes me realise how unwanted i am in her eyes. she does some goods to me because of.. a force by some people, maybe?

alright, so chadstone's nandos, is more or less, of course, busier than any other stores. i have been working probably around 25-30 hours this holidays and i know how it feels like to get all those body and leg pains after work. this should be worth it. 1 january, where might get my second pay.. these would all be worth it. please be.

anyways, despite all those stuffs that make me suffer, nandos chadstone really is something. december 26th was a day everyone has been waiting for (read: boxing day), and i had to work from 9 am - 3 pm. but it was sure worth it. and they actually had this offer where you buy fiesta and get a 1/2 chicken for free! save up to $9.90. it sure is something not to miss.

and a week of holiday has just passed. my family are so having fun going to BALI from 28th to 1st January. celebrating new year in BALI? who would not be excited? and i have to be here, working working and ASSignment. f! *toot*

my last freedon week. the next 4 weeks or so will be very-very-argh-damnit-come-on-busy-busy weeks, preparing those for final exams and stuff. seriously, i am so afraid because i really did not attend many lectures and I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AT ALL! :(

ps. what is that feeling when there is a party and you should be invited but you are not?

pps. i was really afraid for everything. God give me strength when i am living like this. i am raising my hands to Heaven and pray so hard.

ppps. i may just need a pair of listening ears.

pppps. "you know i am that someone you can always depend your life on to in any kind of situations. ANY" #sahabat.

because the 3 elements of happiness are: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.

nothing lasts forever, except forever.

2009-12-12T23:49:00.003+11:00

have any readers had this kind of situation before? the situation where you are unable to stop hating yourself because you made a mistake, hurting the people you love. the inability of making the situation better makes everything worse as well, leaving nothing but sorrow.

have readers had that kind of problem?

sometimes, when i looked back of how it was back then, the past-us always looked at things simply. it did not matter of how wrongs were done, and how wrongs were taken lightly, simply was not as serious as what it is today.

i'm sitting here thinking that things never last. with all heartaches, it makes it hard to believe the past was good or the future is worth much. but i often know what's here now is special. the past is simply behind me. perhaps, so i'm gonna hold on to this for as long as i can and let the future come when it may.

let it be. when i first knew what i did was wrong, i just let it be. and that, for me, was a huge mistake. a mistake that should be punished. a mistake that could not be undone. a mistake that has to be taken seriously.

let's see. i just did my accounting mid test this afternoon. i f*cked it up. seriously. the first thing that came up into my mind when i was out from the classroom was.. nandos. "i need to get some peri chips. coleslaw will help. or.. pita." but the next thing i knew, i was eating at chinese restaurant with well-it-is-better-than-nandos-for-sure-but-cannot-be-compared-one-larh BBQ pork and duck.

ended up not having nandos. was going to stay over, but again.. it was closed. okay, it is not my day to eat that perhaps. i kept telling myself so. mood? it was not bad, until me, again, ruining people's lives. the atmosphere of the house was so painful to feel, in where bee ended up being alone. i felt so sorry for her.

i'm such a loser. i'm such a bummer.

i think i should start getting real. i have done that, this should start anew. because life is the longest thing anyone can experience and in order to live your life to the fullest, you have to remember the laughs, smiles, and memories that were once the happiest day of your life. but every day should be a happy day. it means another day has passed and it was worth the enjoyment. so when you get older, remember everyday and cherish it because tomorrow could be your last.

if you could see that i am the one who understands you and i have been here all along, but you never see that.

ps. happy 1212. and yes, i am missing you the very most tonight.

爱不单行

2009-12-10T17:10:00.001+11:00

gi demendemendemen sama lagu iniii :) maknanya kena banget, and the tune is just.. woow. :)

找不到人说心里的寂寞
找不到人都怕变得沉默
找不到命中注定在一起的人以后
很多人都笑我
一个人过生活

爱
只有简单笔画
却比想象复杂
很安定爱变化
我爱过几个人
也被爱过几遍
却还是没能将幸福留下

爱
是不可输的吗
为何我还相信
她不是不欣赏
我在等一个人
在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

用不完身边泛滥的自由
还是怕孤单是一种诅咒
羡慕我能飞的人为何在天黑以后
还是宁愿回到
爱情那个枷锁

爱
只有简单笔画
却比想象复杂
很安定爱变化
我爱过几个人
也被爱过几遍
却还是没能将幸福留下

爱
是不可输的吗
为何我还相信
她不是不欣赏
我在等一个人
在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

爱
是不可输的吗
为何我还相信
她不是不欣赏
我在等一个人
在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行别害怕

我在等一个人
在等我的永恒
告诉我爱不单行相信她

the downsizing of failure

2009-12-08T02:54:00.009+11:00

kudos :) this time's post will be a long wordy post of mine. so if anyone's willing, just bear with me and continue reading. those who do not have enough time, solright, just go! haha

i have been planning to touch on this stuff since a while ago.

it was this sadness. about last wednesday which was the day i could barely survive on. it was like there's this kind of difficulty to say about something, yet if you don't do it, you are going to suffer in the future. about my job. my first part time job. my first EVER part time job. the one i was so surprised when i was first being called, the one where i had lots of stories to tell to my friends, and the one that showed the meaning of earning money.

i got another job. since i could hardly survive with a job, it should be wise enough to give up one. and i chose to give up the first one. would then have to tell this boss. nope, not truthfully telling actually. it was a lie. told him how i could not catch up with my college, and how my parents wanted me to just stop since i could only get 1 shift per week. he accepted what i was saying at first. but for the next 3 hours, whatever he said were just too painful to be heard. all i was thinking to tell him was to say honestly that i wanted more shifts, that i wanted to get more money, that i was so loving working in nandos that i did not care but to get far better treatment.

i love the glen's nandos. it was, yes, small. but i got so many good friends there. people were so caring. some were just too cute to be true. i was so proud of God allowing me to be there.

it was regret that i felt all over after i finished my last shift that day. was supposed to end at 5, but could hardly go, and i ended up being there until 6. well, waiting for my last paella. eric's paella was and will always be the best, after all. natalie's complaints about indians; willy's 'how is life?'; and dave's way of teaching at the back kitchen.. oh, gawd, no more crying, din, please!

and now? i moved to another place. since it has been so hard to earn better money, and since this is all for my family, i had to decide. well, they did give me the advices and suggestions and they allowed me to make my last decision. i should be doing this for the sake of their happiness, should i not?

so let say if nandos glen was a person, i am going to say this.

"goodbye, nan. may you be more successful, and thank you for all the memories you had given to me."

i will move on. some things are better left behind. what goes around come around. what matters now is time. my body is weakening more and more each day. i just hope no one noticed.

right, beneran udah bulan desember. ahh, ga kerasa. christmas is just around the town. all those trees and twinkling lights make world seem so bright and colourful.

i am in melbourne. me, dinna. the one and only dinna. and i am just so proud of myself that i can be here for this year's christmas. this year's christmas will be the best if there is no assignments to be stressed about. to make it happen is impossible. so, the only thing i can do is to do them as fast as i can and there is nothing to be worried about later on.

and this is also been one of the newest hobby to play on.

KARAOKE! yikes! and it is ONLINE! bahaha, thanks to karina the other day, she got this for me and it is getting more and more serious for me to keep doing this. just hoping it does not take much for the internet.

and anyways, i've been watching 'devil beside you', the one that will make people scoff on me, i know it is so ages ago, so what? at least i watch! been updating with 'hi, my sweetheart!' as well. knowing what love really means. and of course, 'next stop, happiness' should not be missed. shucks, just want to have these dramas ending as soon as they can. upload upload more more more, pleaseee!

done with accounting yesterday, with our fullest energy of ending it as fast as we could, we did not sleep. stayed over in austin's house, and ohmygod, you would not believe how we ended up helping each other, felt like a family. was warm and sweet :) the assg sucked, but how the assg treated us was.. not that hell-y, after all.

poem

2009-11-30T02:59:00.005+11:00

semaleman ini, dina down. right, this is not funny when there is reasons behind, but i don't know why the hell i feel this low. and i have no moods for doing any kinds of things. and, in no time, the sensitive tears just started to pour down, like a heavy rain.

it took me almost 3 hours to stop that, i guess. especially since this is because i have got no reason for crying (well, maybe there is but i am not sure about this and i don't want to be sure in this).

but after i read this poem, it really helps.

I can't promise I'll always be by your side

To give you a hug

But I will always be on the other side of a phone

I can't promise everything will be alright

Because sometimes I just don't know

But I will always do my best to make everything ok

I can't promise I can stop your tears

When they're falling so hard you could drown in them

But I can cry with you

I can't promise I can catch you

When you're falling so fast you're just a blur

But I can fall with you, and hold your hand when we crash

I can't promise I can help you out of your hole

Because the truth is I'm right down there with you

But I can try and ease your pain

I can't promise I can stop the voices

Because I can't even control them myself

But I can understand

I can't promise I can make you better

When you feel like you're not strong enough to go on

But I can be strong for you

I can't promise to give you a reason to live

When you feel like you can't take anymore

But if you let me, I can hold you as you slip into an eternal sleep

And I can't promise

That things will be ok soon

But I can promise that I love you

Now,

Forever,

And always.

i just hope that whatever i heard was wrong. whatever they told me were fake.

i need someone to help me holding on, Lord.

ps. marketing assignment 2, accounting assignment, and micro assignment. i am just hoping for the best to hold me up for an extra life.

pps. "if you're alone, i'll be your shadow. if you want to cry, i'll be your shoulder. if you want a hug, i'll be your pillow. if you need to be happy, i'll be your smile... but anytime you need a friend, i'll just be me."

ppps. because wanting you happy was always more important than just wanting you.

pppps. it is the last day of november. december breeze seems to be coming in a while.

you did it, once again.

2009-11-26T03:08:00.000+11:00

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

pains

2009-11-25T01:42:00.004+11:00

i am currently non-stoply listening to this song. hari ini marks the day my heart breaks. so sometimes sharing will help easing my mood somehow. and yes, fyi, i am crying. tapi, sudahlah, ga ada yg perlu dikuatirin. ga ada juga yg perlu kuatirin. ga ada.

The weather outside is just like your facial expression with so much change
It rains, the rain keeps me company crying
I don't see clearly and I don't want to see it either

Leaving you, I'm leaving with my calmness
I cannot bear to disclosing the story out
My tear is still in my heart and I learn to let it go

Listening to the rhythm of the rain
The pit-pat of rain is distinct
our breath is like the pit-pat of the rain, comes into my love
Hope that it will never stop raining
And allow me to continue to think of our story
Let love becomes transparent
My love (to you) gives me the love of the rains courage

The sound of the rain a long time ago, each sound is accumulated
The moisture in the room is just like to store the memory of loving you
I really hope that it won't stop raining
if the secret of the love of rain can last longer
I believe I will see the beauty of the rainbow

pengen secepetnya keputusan diterima baik baik ma nyokap. soon enough. afterwards there is not going to be any worries anymore. since all those pillars i have built for so long are no longer useful. i am trying out my best to be strong enough do this stuff. and yes, it seems like the time is now.

ps.
I can only be around you up to here.
After all, there are some things that I cannot do.
pps.
all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, but I never thought that could happen without me being in your life
ppps.
let this tears be the last tears i am shedding for you

i need a miracle for my body.

21 guns

2009-11-21T18:38:00.000+11:00

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

maybe, two is better than one

2009-11-18T17:24:00.000+11:00

these days, i have become this addicted to uploading song lyrics that would ease my mood. comparing with me blabbering around, well, the song is just.. me.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought, hey
You know this could be something
Cause everything you do
And words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And I am left with nothing

So maybe its true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
Cause when i close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

Then maybe its true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
I'm thinking two is better than one

(oh yeah)
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And i thought hey

Maybe it's true
That I cant live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
That I can't live without you
Cause maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I've figured out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one

ps. boys like girls knew the words i am feeling. they do know.

pps. i miss you and will always be right here waiting for you, because two is really better than one.

i <3 you
din.

stand by me, please

2009-11-13T21:41:00.000+11:00

stand by me
look towards me
even though I don’t know love yet
stand by me
guard over me
because I am still clumsy at love

my feelings get better as I look at you
I find myself randomly singing
I even want to buy a single rose
The side of myself is so new
As my heart becomes closer to you
The world become more beautiful
If you feel my nervousness
Will you wait just a little bit?

Forever making love
Forever making you smile
Filled with your bright smile
Forever making love
Forever making you smile
Now hold my hands
Stand by me
Look towards me
Even though I don’t know love yet
Stand by me guard over me
Because I am still clumsy at love

The more I get to know you, my heart quivers
All I can do is smile
Shall I try to kiss you?
Will it get me a little closer to your heart?
Could this feeling be love
Im still shy
I haven’t even taken a single step to you
So please wait for my love

together making love
Forever making you smile
Filled with your bright smile
Together making love
forever making you smile
I will slowly heat towards you step by step
Stand by me
Look at me
Somehow, I want to be closer to you
Stand by me
Guard over me
I want to seem a bit cooler to you

I don’t know at first
How to begin to love
I still don’t know my heart
But I love you

together making love
Forever making you smile
Filled with your bright smile
Together making love
forever making you smile
now hold my hands
Stand by me
Look towards me
Even though I don’t know love yet
Stand by me guard over me
Because I am still clumsy at love

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

face down

2009-11-11T17:24:00.000+11:00

hey girl you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand
still I'll never understand
why you hang around
I see what's going down

cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna
happen again
you cry alone and then he swears
he loves you

do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
do you feel better now
as she falls to the ground?
well I'll tell you my friend,
one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down,
a new life she has found

a pebble in the water
makes a ripple effect
every action in this world
will bear a consequence
if you wade around forever
you will surely drown
I see what's going down

I see the way you go and
say your right again,
say your right again
heed my lecture

do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
do you feel better now
as she falls to the ground?
well I'll tell you my friend,
one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down
a new life she has found

face down in the dirt she said,
this doesn't hurt she said
I finally had enough

face down in the dirt she said,
this doesn't hurt she said
I finally had enough

one day she will tell you that
she has had enough
its coming round again

do you feel like a man,
when you push her around?
do you feel better now
as she falls to the ground?
well I'll tell you my friend,
one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down,
a new life she has found

face down in the dirt she said,
this doesn't hurt she said
I finally had enough

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

your guardian angel

2009-11-09T04:35:00.000+11:00

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out

How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away

'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever

read this without its tone, dear. it is my special song just for you today :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

simply love

2009-11-08T04:21:00.004+11:00

i’m sitting here. bottling it all in.
i was with my friends. it was so carefree and fun loving.
but by myself, i’m not like that.
i try, i really do.
to be happy all the time, but sometimes i’m bottling so much in.
it’s hard to keep it in. all I want to do is cry.
and that’s the problem with the present.

people get uncomfortable. and so you feel like you have to hold it in.
when really.. the best thing to do is just.. cry.
it makes you feel better.
other times, it doesn’t work so well.

i feel like if i’m not happy and peppy all of the time.
it’ll all just come shattering down.
like hail on the rooftops.
the only way to stop it is by pretending everything is okay.
but when it’s not, it all comes back.

learning to be myself is a hard thing.
but i’m getting there.
i’ve hit some bumps, but i still have time to smoothen those bumps.
my life has merely just begun.
and i am going to do whatever i can to make it happy, humorous, and full of love.

i hope to be successful.
but if that doesn’t happen, i’ll be okay.
because i have family. that is the essential.
maybe one day i will be successful,
but for now i’m working on just being me.

don’t ever let someone tell you
that you’re not worth it
that you have no value to change the world
that you’re just one person and you cannot possibly succeed

stereotypes. racism. sexism. prejudice.
in general, it doesn’t get you anywhere.
until we realise that we, as one people, will never be able to deal with the real things like poverty, child abuse, rape, abortion, anorexia, bulimia, and sooooo many others.

i’m just one person. i have not yet had that feeling.
the feeling of importance.
the feeling that i am needed to make something better.
but i will not give up.

to me, there is no one specific meaning of life.
it is different for everyone. you are the one who sets your journey.
if you let people push you around, your journey may be rocky.
it’s all about what you put into it.
if you succeed, amazing.
if you don’t, keep trying.

if you end your life thinking about yourself, then you have led a very selfish life. if you end your life thinking about others, then even if you haven’t made a big scientific discovery or discovered a cure, invented a time or money saving tool, you have had a very very successful life.

no matter what others tell you;
as long as you have respect for yourself, dignity, pride, and ambition;
you can get through whatever life throws, and build a smooth path.

just be sure to throw a lot of humors in there too.
because, after all, life is what you make it.
and life would not be fun without laughter and being carefree sometimes.

hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
your life cannot be fully lived in a day either.
take it one step at a time
and i’m sure you’ll find
how you will be very happy with the end result.

taken from a web and i would want to dedicate this words for myself and for readers who happen to be in this site. :D

ps. because when everything else around me feels like it's falling apart, our love holds me together <3

forget

2009-11-07T22:36:00.003+11:00

I need to stop reminding myself of the pain.
Yes, it happened.
But I will always have hope.
No longer will I dwell on the negative,
But I will roll with the punches, and hope for the best.
Sometimes, the thing you need most,
is to forget.

if you look into my heart you will see, how much i really cry. you will find many hidden secrets, best friends and lies. but what you will see most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing is right, and everything is wrong :/

i still remember every thing we've ever done together
i still remember all the times we promised forever
i still remember all the words you've ever spoken
i still remember everything you've ever written
i still remember the way you would caress my face
i still remember how i never once felt out of place
i still remember the sweet taste of those lips i used to love
i still remember the way your hand fit mine just like a glove
i still remember the way you said 'i love you too'
i still remember the way my heart felt when i was with you
i still remember every tear i've ever cried
i still remember they asked if i still loved you and the way i lied
i still remember the way i tried to hide the pain
i still remember, i remember them still
i still remember and i always will

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

tak ingin dilupakan

2009-11-07T02:01:00.002+11:00

aku bagaikan ada di saat yang terendah

menjadi bagian kisah terhempas dari cintamu

tersiksa cintamu yg tlah dinikmati orang lain

menjadi bagian tawa dan cemooh semua orang

dengarlah lagu dari orang yg tak mau putus asa

dengarlah lagu dari orang yg tak ingin dilupakan

menepis hari yg sedih

yg membuatku lupa akan arti harga diri

caci makilah atau kau buatku tersenyum

untuk hadapi kenyataan

angkat kepala yg tertunduk malu terasa berat

lawan sendiri arus kemenangan orang lain

dengarlah lagu dari orang yg tak mau putus asa

dengarlah lagu dari orang yg tak ingin dilupakan

menepis hari yg sedih

yg membuatku lupa akan arti harga diri

caci makilah atau kau buatku tersenyum

untuk hadapi kenyataan

menepis hari yg sedih

seakan berdiri di tepi jurang batinku

doronglah aku atau kau raih tangan ini

untuk hadapi kenyataan

you and i :)

2009-11-02T16:36:00.002+11:00

i really would like to dedicate this song for someone i care and love the most. i do hope that you somehow read the lyrics carefully.

No matter what happens
Even when the sky is falling down
I’ll promise you
That I’ll never let you go

You, when I fell
you held me back up with an unfaltering gaze

And you, through those sad times
held my hands till the end of the world

I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you
But today, I am singing this song just for you
Tonight, within those two eyes and a smile
I can see the pains from protecting me

You and I together, it’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go of my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

Our love has changed a bit by bit just like others
But don’t be sad

Hopefully I will be someone who you can trust like an old friend
and someone you can lean onto
I promise you that I’m be right here baby

I might be a shabby person who has never done anything for you
But today, I am singing this song just for you
Tonight, within those two eyes
and smile I can see the pains from protecting me

You and I together. It’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go of my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

I close my eyes lightly whenever I feel lonely again
I no longer fear when your breath holds me
No one in the world can replace you
You are the only one in I’ll be there for you, baby

You and I together, It’s just feels so right
Even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you
You and I together, don’t ever let go my hands
even though i bid you goodbye, to me this world is just you

Just you and I
Forever and ever

*imysm.

the beauty of love

2009-11-02T16:07:00.008+11:00

I’m so sorry, but I love you, it’s all a lie.
I didn’t know, but I know now that I need you.
I’m so sorry, but I love you, out of anger.
I pushed you away with those piercing words without realising.

will you leave and forget me slowly, so I can be in pain?

greetings, pepsiess :) uda bulan november :)
i've been thinking.. 2009 is going to end in 2 months. how fast time is, no man is able to see it clearly. there are lots of regrets i have done this year. right, too much. i am just going to say how all these regrets have become burdens for me. this family problem, this matter of soulmates, this and that. and love? God knows how deeper it has been.

i need some courage to live on. i need some supports. i need someone capable in knowing what is best for my life for now. and i really could not do this on my own.

moreover after i have lost with my last bet. yeap, she rejected it. the way she dislikes me was this naive that i am just so sick of her. tired of waiting.

anyway, today is my sis' SS paper larh. i really hope she would do her best, since this seems like the only subject she hates the most. hope the qns would be so so easy that she could get an A1 for her comb. humans. and yeapp, i just found out how my other sis got promoted to sec 4 already. how cool is that?

and while i am on my way back home later on, i got this.

"which way are you going? the left one where there is nothing right? or the right one, where there is nothing left?"

ilysm and i need you to know that you are worth a wait. :)

ps. once upon a time something happened to me. it was the sweetest thing that ever could be.. a fantasy, a dream come true!

it was the day i met you :)

pps. every morning i wake up scared that today is going to be the day that i lose you. throughout the day little things convince me that your here to stay, so by the time i fall asleep im convinced that you'll always be mine. but when i wake up in the morning, i have to start all over again.

she's gone

2009-11-01T10:10:00.000+11:00

When did you start becoming weary of me
What burdens did I give you
To you, no longer say anything
I’ve become unable to ask now
Without the usual grumbling
Still smiling that polite smile
Losing the sadness that passed by your eyes
I’m sorry, it was absentminded stupidity on my part
my love

When I see you with your back turned to me
The time love clearly took
Now I can see it too
Like a time of separation
I saw it coming
I didn’t know you were such a part of me

If I could turn it all back
No, if you would smile for me just once more
By myself, I’m unable to hold your heart
Because of foolish pride, I’m sorry
my love

When I look at how cold you’ve become
The separation spreading in this instance
Now I know there’s nothing to be done
In the name of love
Slowly like changing colors
Love is leaving me
I didn’t know I had it to begin with

Even words of apology
Although I’m as sorry as this
What could a person like me
Say and how could I say it
Like I can’t breathe, I’m dizzy
Inside lost time
Even if I roam quickly
The only thing I could do now
Is that I can’t do anything

When I see you with your back turned to me
The time love clearly took
Now I can see it too
Like a time of separation
I saw it coming
I didn’t know you were such a part of me

aimless

2009-10-26T01:12:00.001+11:00

heys, peeps. dina baru aja selesein nonton goojunpyo seri. ceritanya ternyata lumayan. tapi ga bikin nangis ah. kalo dulu meteor ganjen *ehh, garden maksudnya* bisa loh, entah kenapa. mungkin gara2 meteor ganjen *apa sih ini koq salah mulu* pelem taiwan pertama yg gue tonton kali ya?

anyway, in the end, jandi (kek lawan katanya duda deh) ma junpyo *****. ahh, baguslah. jujur, plot ceritanya ada kesan terpaksanya, entah darimana. ato emang cuma feeling kali, entahlah. terpaksa digituin, biar bisa masukin semuanya for 25 episodes maybe? uda dibilang entahlahh waaa. tsk.

lagu paporit? yah, pastinya yg lucky by ashily. dari sebelum nonton aja uda suka lagunya. gimana uda selese nonton, makin suka.

언제나 이렇게 웃어요 난.
세상이 힘들게 해도, 난 절대 눈물은 보이고 싶진 않죠.

ps. all the best best for O levels and A levels besok :)
pps. kali terakhir memberikado. taon depan uda ga bakalan lagi. thatiswhy.
ppps. sadar kalo semua yang kuberikan tak ada satupun yang kau hargai?
pppps. "awaiting friend confirmation". it has been 2 weeks now. happy 2 weeks anniversary, dindinn. *sighs

i'll be waiting for you. 보고 싶다.

FMyLife

2009-10-21T05:27:00.003+11:00

these 2 shortest word will help to begin my post for now.

hi.

i am now in melbourne. happy? what do you think i am supposed to feel? yes, to some people, being back in melbourne seems like a good news for a person like me. but guess what.. for the past 2 nights, i could not help but to cry.

i wonder why. this seems too weird. when i was in jakarta, i remember i once posted how i really really truly madly deeply wanted to be back to melbourne. i never felt this way before. i meant this. when i shared this story to a friend of mine, she asked me whether i may be homesick. i was kind of surprised actually. never felt this empty before. usually, whenever i have some holidays, i did not and would not cry for being back in singapore. but now.. my room seems too empty. my life seems so dull. i am clueless of what i should be doing.

right, STUDYING! new trimester has started for 3 days now. and i have not been to campus for that long. i should better start doing some stuffs. i promise not to let them down. they are working hard, so will i. don't let disappointment come along, din :)

i know i don't really have anyone here. so, i can only depend on myself. keep on striving yah, din.

anyways, i have been really intrigued with FMyLife app for my iPhone. right, it is www.fmylife.com in the web. well, it is basically sharing what you have F for the day. it's kind of interesting, since i love writing problems like those people. so, yeah, i have posted some. none of them has been published though.

just read the comment from a person here. click it.

Fmylife = Amazing? - Opinion

so yeah, i love to know more people F their lives. i would then know how problems are not only happened to me, but to most people in this whole world. yeah, i do laugh sometimes. their way of lives to get that f***ed up are so horrible that i would pity for them as well. yeah, what i know is fmylife has given people a place just scream at the top of their lungs and let everything out.

at least, i will predict this website will become quite a famous one someday. simply love it. :)

ps. song of the day?

Under the silver stars right where he broke your heart
Girl you know, I'd give you everything.
I wanna hold your hand and say the words he never said
I'll make you promises you can believe.

Let me be the one, telling you it's alright
Sharing the smiles and tears you cry.
Let me be the one, loving you when you're weak
For all of the strength you need, you can come to me.

When you're down and you feel so lonely
Turn around, you can come to me.
When you're down baby, I will be the only, come to me

You can just be yourself 'cause I don't want nobody else
All of your secrets are safe with me.
For the kind of love you can trust, for more than just a crush,
Baby, why don't you just come to me?

Let me be the one, telling you it's alright
Sharing the smiles and tears you cry.
Let me be the one, loving you when you're weak
For all of the strength you need,
You can come to me.

When I've got you in my arms
Say it's where you wanna be
'Cause girl I'm down on my knees
Promising my heart oh, my heart

Let me be the one, telling you it's alright
Sharing the smiles and tears you cry.
Let me be the one, loving you when you're weak.
For all of the strength you need,
You can come to me.

Whenever you need me
Whenever you need me girl
Whenever you need me
Oh, I'll be there

ahh, lagu nye jesse emang paling click. let me be the one. andai dia mengerti.

pps. i miss your smile, your jokes and your way to cheer me up in your own creative rules. i really do..

dear diki sayang *journey 16

2009-10-15T01:56:00.001+11:00

greetings, peeps. how are you doing? :) nah, i should not put that smily face there since at this very right moment, i am crying.

yes, i am currently at my real weakest point tonight. i feel so damn weak.

i just had the most memorable day with my family today. all of us smiled, all of us laughed like there is no tomorrow. all of us.. are going to miss each other. T.T

apalagi diki. i just had my photo taking moments with him, and for Lord's sake, i miss him already eventhough he is right next to me, sleeping. i am really missing him already, prawndamnit! i knew when i wake up in the morning later, he will have gone to school. and since my flight is at 5, i should get prepared around 2? and he finishes his classes at 3, which means he will not be able to send me to airport.

right, for you guys information. this little dicky fella has always been the closest to me. well, pi and denty used to be this close. but after i went to melbourne; even before i went there, i have been the closest with this kid. and guess what? HE HAS CHANGED! so much. he used to be that stubby, short and fat, with that big stomach. and oh my gosh, how i love that big stomach.

and now? now, he has grown so much taller than me. and that big stomach? yes, you can predict what has happened to that special thing of mine. it is GONE! i don't know why he does not not and NOT look that attractive anymore.

well yeah, that is what i think of him for the 1st week i was in jakarta. the second week, hell yeah, it IS different! he seems to be more mature with that tall body. he seems to be stronger. he seems to get a more proper physical body and heart.

yes, i am proud to be his sister.
and im missing him alreadyy! argh

kalo bonyok sih.. pasti juga bakalan dirinduin sih. cuma since liburan kali ini mereka kbanyakan di arguing nya, mungkin jadi less cryless *kata apaan ni coba?

*sumpah, can i just stop crying? i thought blogging will actually help. well, it is NOT so far

mungkin kali ini ga ada salahnya fokusin this post for my little bro. since he is always being that supportive in everything i have done. fyi peeps, he has always been the one who accompanies me throughout the days. 16 days. perhaps i have spent 14 of them with him. yes, for that 16 days, i had been at home the most. patiently waiting for anyone to come to the room. uuh ohh! especially when it's around 4 or 5 pm, i will get ready to see him to finish taking a shower and have his lonesome dinner. and when he arrives again at around 730, i will again be the happiest.

im going to miss you, junpyooo! kangen maen tap tap revenge lagii. pdahal cuma sekali doang bertarungnya. dikii kalahh! hahahahahaha T.T

sighs, he is not going to read this, dindinn. sudahlah. i guess i will just crawling under my pillow, the hobby i have been 'smartly' doing.

and yes, ki, thank you. you make me so special for this 16 days. you make me feel the best. you make me crying the most. and i really really really am going to miss you so.

love

your crying sis

a letter from yesterday

2009-10-14T00:36:00.009+11:00

dear future,

by the time i reach you, everyone will think i'm better, that i have completely forgotten you, but they will be wrong.

i will, however, be able to smile a little easier, and laugh and maybe mean it. i won't cry nearly as often, though sometimes a few small tears might fall somewhere deep inside.

i will have a better understanding of why things didn't work, and why you had to leave, and i won't be bitter anymore.
i will, however, miss you.

i'll miss the moments where nothing in this world mattered, as long as you were there, i was okay. i'll miss the looks shared, and words spoken, for they are some of the best moments of my life.

i hope your future finds you happy, and spreading that sweet smile of yours. i hope you are confident that someone out there loves you unconditionally, and has never, and will never, give up on you, you make me proud.

i miss you, and i love you, i always have, and i always will.

love,

forgotten past

ps. i never forget how important it is for me to put 'PS' for any posts. but this time, this ps. is something surreal.

just another request from my heart to be played.

when i saw you for the first time i knew you are the one. you did not say a word to me, but love was in the air. and you held my hand and pulled me into your world. from then on my life has changed for good. now i'll never feel lonely again cause you are in my life.

love, how can i explain to you the way i feel inside when i think of you? i thank you for everything that you've showed me. don't you ever forget that i love you.

love, i knew that someday real soon you'll be right next to me. holding me so tight so i will always be yours. although we can't be together now, remember i am here for you and i know you're there for me.

whenever i long to be with you, i just close my eyes and pretend you're here. i see you, i touch you, i feel you like real. nothing can ever change what i feel inside.

how long must I be far away from you?
i don't know dear but i know that we are one :)

unsatisfaction *journey 14

2009-10-13T19:15:00.003+11:00

hey, it's almost a week for me not posting anything here. right, here is the reason. hell yeah, i have been too busy. and for recalling where and what have been done, i have recorded it in different place. so? updates are not often these days! aww, sorry peeps :( *who reads anyway, din? haha*

right, so in 2 days, i will be in singapore. yayy! i was supposed to arrive yesterday evening and in this time, i should have been going here and there. aww, i wanted to go THERE! right, it's okay. at least on that VERY day, i am in singapore. on that very day of yours :)

by the way, it seems like mum and dad's relationship has gone worse as each day passes. i am sick of it already. i don't know the reason why i even agreed from the start to stay here longer. i guess i made a very huge mistake.

and hell yeah right now, i have been the busiest the most working on my letter. see, i want to do this for you. and yes, it has been lingering in my head for so long. the more i think about it, the more i want to make it so specially for you. aww, this should be worth of that smile. the next post, that will be it.

can you just tell me that i meant something, anything, even though we both know we can't be together? please don’t let me walk this life thinking none of it was real. tell me i was once your girl, i was once apart of your dreams, that i have left a small print on your heart, but most of all, please tell me i won't be forgotten, i don’t think i can ever smile again if i think i’ll be forgotten. it’s hard enough knowing you have been ripped from my dreams, that it’s not your face i’ll see as i take my last breath when my time here is done, i’ll never see you or feel you again, and someone else is in my place. it’s hard enough knowing it’s over – forever. please tell me it was real, you did love me, i did have it all even for a fraction of time, please, don’t forget me.

i heart you.

when it comes to importance love is the most, laughter is something that will go away, love is here to stay. life will soon come to an end, love goes on forever. but most importantly, love gives you a reason to live, a reason to laugh, and a reason to cherish the moments you have.

yes, sometimes love gives you that on top of the world feeling, like nothing can touch you. but sometimes it can take away everything. and you're left craving the feeling you had before.

everyone says to me, "just give up already, the sooner you get over him, the sooner you'll find someone else." and my response to that is, "if you think it's that easy, why do you think i'm still liking him?" the truth is simple: that i can't get over this one. i'm still hoping and praying that maybe one day he'll change his mind. i can't help it. when you feel this way about someone, you don't control your feelings, you just learn to push them aside and try to move on. and that's all i can do. but no matter how much i try, the feelings can't seem able to stay away, and that's what truly terrifies me the most.

nothing hurts more than realising he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

be kind, rewind *journey #8

2009-10-07T23:54:00.007+11:00

“You ever look at a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone’s life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.”

see, this is how destiny works. it starts with hope, there might be despair in between, but then hope arises one more time. another one try won't hurt. and yes, what is fated will then be fated.

at this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, some are running scared, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just not facing the truth, some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil, six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.

i remember, one once said how one will pick me up from the floor when i fall, how one will care if everybody throws me away and dust me off. i remember once, how one will not be concerned with anybody else' opinions, because what matters the most is oneself's view.

i just can't imagine where this person is now.

i don’t run from you, i walk away slowly. and it kills me because you don’t care enough to stop me.

but, yes, i would go out in the pouring rain, wearing nothing but my pj's. i'd go out there in the cold, look up a smile. i'd feel you next to me. i'd smile so hard it hurts, i'd run out of breath! i'd scream your name! close my eyes and feel it. feel my heart speaking, feel the way it tells me you are the one. feel that extra beat that gives me life. i'd do it all. i'd feel myself fall. for you and no one else.

because you make life worth living.

because i'll always be there for when you finally decide to fall for the one girl thats always going to catch you, forever and always.

ps.

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

the truth be told i miss you. and truth be told, i am not lying.

the cry, once again *journey #7

2009-10-06T23:07:00.006+11:00

and i will hold on to it and will not let it pass me by.

greetings, peeps. how are you guys doing? me? i'm getting better. is this not a good news? well, it is all thanks for God. :D for the past 3 days, yeah, some matters. but, it's alright now. *thanks for the support, bighead*

well yeah, tomorrow is a big day. not only for me, not only for them, but it is for everyone that has been involving.

watched that video. and yes, it was sweet. she must have forgotten how hard it was to create that kind of video.

and i told her the truth. she did not accept that at first. her face looked like as if i was the most terrible liar ever alive, but she probably realised how important i was that she forgives me.

afterall, i am your daughter, mum.

right, so probably this holiday is somewhat between my family and me. and really, i mean this when i say i get to know them more and more.

learning deep more about history comes from my dad. about taking care of money *like really so deeply wanting to earn more also* comes from him as well. and perhaps the spending pattern comes from mum. loving so much of fireworks, now this comes from mum. but, the most important thing is perhaps.. the crying. and yes, it unbelievably comes from dad. he does look tough, but he actually is that sensitive.

lots of stories, too much. more to the crying, more to the care. they are the people i care the most, in spite of everything. gotta do what a first child ought to do.

anyway, yeah, for the couple of days, i have not brought my handphone with me whenever i went out. seriously, i feel like this handphone is somewhat useless here. how do you actually feel when you bring that phone when there is nothing to see or care about, and it feels the same even when you don't bring that?

it is not needed. kinda crap i should say.
perasaan yang kesepian. mungkin itu kata yang tepat.

oh yeah, i guess i will change my URL address for this blog. jeniuz-beyondmyself seems unattractive and yes, it can be annoying when people actually want to irritate me. *grr, remember some people here*

when it's not alright when it's not okay, you don't stick with me through whatever and just run away. pretend from faraway that everything can be solved just in a wink of the eyes. semua kata2 manis penuh rasa sayang dan cinta hanya untuknya, sedangkan semua kata kata penuh rasa benci dendam are all for me. is this fair?

sometimes we forget that life's not a fairy tale and happy ending are few and far in between.

they say it takes courage to tell the person you love that you love them. but i think it takes more courage to tell the person you love that you love them when they love someone else.

but, I never stop giving up. I will never give up believing in love. Because when love is concerned, it's the closest thing we have to magic.

"close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream, that's how you are going to get by".

yes, you are what keeps me going. me without the sight of you, is like the Earth without the sun: darkness. me without the sound of your laughter is like plants without water: impossible. me without you is like tornadoes every day, terrorists bombing everything in sight, everybody dying on Earth: a huge disaster. i love you in every way possible, and you are what keeps me going.

o need you, really.

the wait *journey #4

2009-10-03T21:28:00.001+10:00

life is not a game, it's a trial. something we try to overcome with the wrong methods. when we get it right, the trial is already is done. life is a one in a life chance.

heys, peeps. i have been good, spending all the day killing time being alone at home. yeah right, at home alone is perhaps the best way to stay out of any trouble. idk. being like this is probably the best.

anyway, i found this today. look, indonesian movies are sometimes needed in melbourne, i guess.

right, 'janji joni' is kind of old movie, i should say. the thing that caught my attention was the director of this movie. yeah, i just knew this then.

gotta sleep pretty soon, since my body is weakened, day by day. yeah, i realised how i could not stop crying for like 3,5 hours today.

ijustwonderwhatifiweretobeblindbytomorrow. gosh.

ps. the hardest time is spent in wait of someone who doesn't know you are waiting.

pps. because it hurts the most when you have to show you don't care at all and inside you care a lot :(

ppps. #songthatmademecry ; superhuman's Chris Brown ft. Keri Hilson

Weeks
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment you came to me
You don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see through the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing
to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human
I feel so superhuman

Strong
Since I've been flying and writing the wrongs
Feels almost like I've had it all along
I can see tomorrow

Well every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It's unbelievable to see
how love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing
to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human
I feel so superhuman

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I can feel like I can do anything
I'm Going going, gone away love

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing
to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me, yeah
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

Superhuman

the best part of the song? it's not a bird, not a plane. it's my heart and it's going, gone away. my only weakness is you, only reason is you. Every minute with you, I can feel like I can do anything.

and I always mess it up because of you. because of you I cannot love anyone else. because of you I'm scared of feeling that much pain again.

but just remember, I'll stand beside you in your darkest hours. although i am not a superhuman as you know, i have that skills and ability to make you smile throughout the day.

bet *journey #3

2009-10-02T19:12:00.001+10:00

everyone knows that there's that time when you're just tired. not sleep and not out of breath. just tired. tired of how everything is going and the people around you. tired of pretending to be yourself and taking less than you deserve. just tired of living life.

you don't need to know any of this.
but the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most.
i work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged.
you don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy,
and that I have been doing that for my entire life.

aneh. something bad always happens in my day. there is always at least something. and i don't know and i don't understand this. it is swollen now. temperature is high. breathing gets harder, God knows why. this might be a punishment from Him.

anyhow, yes, this is journey #3 and i feel so hurt for the whole day. my body is weakening more and more. it is good that no one cares, why should anyone care, anyway?

another thanks for raditya dika. his book really lifts me up. not much, i realise, but at the very least, it kills time.

i need you. this is just so wrong. it makes me sick. it makes me numb.

ps. #songthatmakesmecry : LAO SHU AI DA MI - Twins
andai dirinya tau arti lagu ini, Tuhan.

pps. sebegitu banyaknya orang yang menyayangi dirinya, sampai2 dia sudah tidak lagi membutuhkan diriku. perfect.

ppps. my Jesus, my savior, Lord there is none like You. I pray for You, Christ.

regrets *journey #2

2009-10-01T22:56:00.001+10:00

maybe, the best thing of being in jakarta is having a non-stop downpouring foods.
i mean seriously, what could you help with people who know what the best food you love to eat is and make it for you? ended up having to finish it all by 3 plates of rice? would do it!

alright, honestly, i have been adapting with the timezone here, but it is just a mess. waking up at 7am, (which is around 10am in melbourne), and starting to think of sleeping at around 7pm (which is another 10pm there), and finally always ends up sleeping around 9 or 10. geez, what a shame. i remember i usually think about sleeping at around 11 here, and most of the time will end up snoring at 2 or 3 am.

yeah, i was planning to blog last night. today will be journey #3. journey #2 was, again, boring. i should know that life in jakarta is tasteless somehow. no matter how many shopping centers there are here, if it is under the control of parents, we will never be called 'free'.

anyway, it was just soooo cool as to how China celebrated their 60th independence day yesterday. the celebration took like the whole day, with those awesome fireworks in the end. it was just WOW!

hari mulai dihibur dengan keberadaan buku raditya dika. thanks to that, i was able to stop crying, even just for a while.

ohyaa, jalan sendirian di MM. sepi. serasa jadi satu2na orang yang having 'fun' disana. seneng? iaa, seneng banget. *blah!*

i knew something bad was happening once i realised that facebook is indeed hateful. just see that wall, and just by looking at that, it makes me sick. and not to mention of always knowing where each other are, what a romantic sweet way to get attracted once again.

i just want to be back in melbourne. jakarta makes me crying the whole day, jakarta makes me not being me, jakarta is not dinna.

childish. love makes me becoming more and more childish. yes, you guys are the sweetest.

ps. kata kata nya bagus banget, check this out.
"I'm a lover and a fighter. I get angry easily, but I'm working on it. I party, sleep and think too much, but I get my s**t done. I have a weakness for sweet talkers, but I'm learning and enforcing my boundaries. I don't let many people in, but once they're in, they're there forever. I'm strong and independent and I've been broken, but never shattered."

#songthatmakesmecry : david archuleta's a little too not over you.

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else

It's for the best I know it is but I see you
Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside
And I turn around, you're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you, not over you

Aren't memories supposed to fade?
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn't think it'd be this hard

Should be strong, movin' on but I see you
Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside
And I turn around, you're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret everything I said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now I'm on my own, how I let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you, not over you

3 cities in a day! *journey # 1

2009-09-30T23:30:00.001+10:00

yes, what a day! today might be the very first time in my life that i experienced of being in 3 different countries in a day. what the.. ?

right, my flight to singapore was at 00 05 on weds and it arrived at 0600 around so in singapore. since the flight back to jakarta was still wayy to ahead in around 1845 so shanny and i decided to have a city trip to orchards and stuff.

and yeah, it was fun, afterall those people are crazy. slanted brains perhaps. xD

anyway, have been looking at this new great house here. dad made it so peacefully wonderful. i could not imagine as to how he made this, but yes, he did make me smile.
because eventually, no one was able to notice how i was deeply feeling that time. no one.

hari pertama uda makan sate ma martabak manis. besok apa dong yaa? anw, ditunjukin semuanya. dan uda sekali that sensitive issue brought up.

ps. besok bulan oktober tanggal 1. ulangtaon ke 60 nya cina. it is going to be an exciting day for him.
pps. bakalan lebih sering update blog daripada twitter, dan kekna ga bakalan maenin facebook since cuma bikin sakit di dada.

love is like finding an oyster: you have to go all the way down into your heart to find that one small pearl which just makes you feel special.

mood of the day : 2/5

goodnight *day 154

2009-09-27T00:51:00.001+10:00

another song i would like to share. fills my whole night it does.

You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together
I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better
Something’s gotta change
Things cannot stay the same

Her hair was pressed against her face, her eyes were red with anger
Enraged by things unsaid and empty beds and bad behavior
Something’s gotta change
It must be rearranged

I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right

The room was silent as we all tried so hard to remember
The way it feels to be alive
The day that he first met her
Something’s gotta change
Things cannot stay the same

You make me think of someone wonderful, but I can’t place her

I wake up every morning wishing one more time to face her
Something’s gotta change
It must be rearranged

I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right

So much to love
So much to learn
But I won’t be there to teach you
I know I can be close
But I try my best to reach you

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right

manis. muchas gracias, maroon :)

tidur engga? engga tidur!

2009-09-26T06:39:00.002+10:00

uda hampir jem 7 pagii skarang! sial, sesore kemaren ketiduran sii. skarang jadi ga ngantuk lagi kan. padahal pengen istirahat juga. padahal 3 jem lagi ada law final exam juga. padahal ini juga, padahal itu juga. haaaahh.

mau cerita tentang ... kemarin.
sebetulnya ga penting si, it was just like *click* and in a blink of eye, i could close that page. cuma kerennya? kata2nya kebawa sampe detik ini.

membaca buku itu. terdiam. menangis.
funny as it seems, history could make me crying. they had memories. you and i? you don't even bother to remember about that.

gatau sebagusnya bagaimana. dan 4 hari lagi the real show begins *sighs*

ps. if i could not help myself there, crying will not going to help either.
so God, give me strength to face this please.

mungkin udah waktunya buat aku nyerah.
i'm not a perfect person. there are things i just wish i did not do.

treasure day 151 :(

2009-09-24T21:24:00.000+10:00

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."

in this post i would like to share everything in indonesian. so, better get a translator or a dictionary if you feel like continuing reading *for those who don't understand indo* and better get your chips ready *for those who do know to to read some*

salam hangat dari melbourne, peeps! :)

jadiii.
uda 2 harian ini exams mulai. makro uda lewat, ibc baru tadi siang. duaduanya ga membahagiakan. makro banyak yg terlupakan, ibc banyak yang pakelogika. haiss, sabtu ini law pula. buat orang2 yang ga begitu mengenal dina, ini fyi yah, dina used to LOVE to know more about this subject. but when it has come to a point where that teacher hit the hardest spot in my heart, i HATE HATE and HATE this stuff. yes it is an open book test, yes it does not seem hard, but the way those people trying to explain makes me realise how unimportant this subject is. so yeah, wish me the best for all the very best this saturday, mates.

pengen mention juga kalo 2 hari yg lalu itu marked a turnover in my life. ga disangka2 banget sih sebenernya. dan sebetulnya ga pengen jadiin hari itu hari sepenting tujubelasagustustaunempatlima juga. haahh. sudahlah, yang sudah terjadi biarlah terjadi.

anw,
"hari ini, hari yang kauu tunggu, bertambah satu tahun usiamu. bahagialah kamuu!"

kalo biasanya tiap taon ada aja something happening buat hari yg satu ini, buat taon ini sampe taon2 ke depan, keknya udah ga bakalan i put as one of those precious days of the year lagi deh. alasannya? dia anggep gue ga penting sih. yasudahlah ya. people want to treat you as pernormal, not something special like you always think i do.

tiap hari keknya makin banyak aja kedutan dimana2. ga yg di hidung kanan, ga di mata kanan, ga di deket dada *nah lo, itu JANTUNG, pintar!*. kalo digugelgugel, arti kedutan2 itu adee aje. hidung kanan's kedutan = bakalan sembuh dari penyakit. mata kanan's kedutan = bakalan ada keuntungan. pengennya sih percaya. tapi kata sani, gausa dipercayain mitos gituan. padahal orang2 pinter uda cariin buat kita, tapi malah dicuekin. haram itu namanya. sapii, sapii.

okay, kabar baikindahnancantik, dina bakalan balik indo. semuanya TERIAK 'yippie' bersama2, ayoo!

*krikkrikkrik*

*bruekok*

*mbeee*

*sing~*

hokehh hokehh, daripada semua binatang di hutan berbunyi, mending dina sendiri aja deh yang senangg. senang? sebetulnya engga juga si. 3 alesan aj. niatnyacumapengenkesingapur. takutkaloketemunyokapbokapbakalandsuruhforgood. bakalanbawaharihariyangseharusnyaindahjadibetebetebeteahh. haiss.

Tuhan, kalo ini emang uda jalan yang uda Kau siapkan, jadikan ini yang terbaik oleh-Mu :)

dan lagu untuk hari ini:

When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down,
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you
For you I will

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight,
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me
And I'll do anything

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need,
I will be the sun in your sky
I will let you wait for all times
Promise you
For you I will

*sumpah ini lagi ngetik ginian, ni kedutan di mata kanan ga berenti2. laper kali yah? kasih makan apa dongg ni mataa?

*penyesalan setelah memberikan semua itu. maaf.

*jangan biarkan semua ini berakhir begitu saja, Tuhan. teruskuatkandirinya. beritahukan kepadanya bahwa senyumannya lah yang bisa mengubah segalanya.

*tanjoubiomedetou.

*love is like a flower, it has its days when it feels down and that no one cares, and then it’s got its days when it’s in full bloom and none can compare.

*when you get what you want but not what you need. when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep and the tears come streaming down your face. when you lose something you can’t replace. when you love someone but it goes to waste.

lastly of the day,
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around. You used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down. You used to walk with me like we had no where we needed to go, nice and slow to no place in particular. We used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt. When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see. We used to have this under control, we never thought we used to know, at least there's you and at least there's me. Can we get this back? Can we get this back, to how it used to be? I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way. I used to listen, you always had the just right thing to say. I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go, fast or slow to anywhere at all.

because it is our song that makes you and i complete :)

perfection *day 146

2009-09-19T19:59:00.003+10:00

when I'm cold, give me your sweatshirt and hold me in your arms.

when I'm lonely, be with me until I feel included.

when I feel scared, protect me.

when I am sick, always stay by my side.

when I feel bored, come hang out with me.

when I feel happy, don't ruin it.

when I feel hyper, be hyper with me.

when I get hurt, make everything better.

when I am tired, let me sleep on your shoulder.

when I'm relaxed, play with my hair.

when we watch movies, hold me and don't let me go.

when we walk through the mall or in the village, hold my hand tight.

if I don't answer a text from you, come here because something is wrong.

*taking a deep breath*

(moo) nyongg~

haha, although it seems like only a week or so, me not blogging, i feel kinda guilty of not having something new to be seen in my blog. so here i am, pleading guilty. sorry.

anw, final exams is coming, mates. argh, i just don't want to face these. i am not ready yet. please, i am not, really. i would want to put these blames to my computer and iphone, but they don't force me to play with them. i am the one wanting to have those fun, so it is NOT their faults.

macro will be the first exam this coming wednesday, followed by ibc on thursday and law on saturday. it does not end that way. monday -> amaths and last will be marketing.

okay now, except macro, all other subjects are worrying, especially law i should say. gargh! mogila kalo inget ada 83759400347230 kata2 yang harus dihapalin. tsk

ohh yeah, i almost forgot the most crucial thing i want to write in this post. ketzia is going to study back in indonesia. alright, so here i am wishing her my best words :)

When we first talked to each other
I knew we would always be friends.
Our friendship has kept on growing
And I'll be here for you to the end.

You listen when I have a problem
And help dry the tears from my face.
You take away my sorrow
And put happiness in its place.

We can't forget the fun we've had
Laughing 'til our faces turn blue.
Talking of things only we find funny
People think we're insane-If they only knew!

I guess this is my way of saying thanks
For catching me when I fall.
Thanks once again for being such a good friend
And being here with me through it all.

*wonder whether she will read this, but yeah maybe someday she will*

okay, udah waktunya ngomong pake bahasa biasa. semingguan ini berasa lamaa banget. week terakhir trimester 2, padahal. tapi bagus sii, makin lama gini makin terasa lama juga final exams nya. ga pengen cepetcepet ohhhlaalaa. :( tinggal 4 hari lagi. aww.

dan tinggal 5 hari lagi? you know what? ibc! garghh, mo gimanapunbagaimanapegimanepun subjek ini wajibkuduharus dapet at least a D.

ini stres levelnya koqq perasaan sama kek pas O level dulu ya? padahal cuma 5 pelajaran juga. dina BISA lahh, come on, dear! :)

ily. It's not a weight you must carry around.
ily. It's not a box that holds you in.
ily. It's not a standard you have to bear.
ily. It's not a sacrifice I make.
ily. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon.
ily. It's not an expectation of perfection.
ily. It's not my life's whole purpose.
ily. It's not to make you change.
ily. It's not even to make you love me.

I love you. It's as pure and simple as that

i truly do heart you with all my heart, mind and soul. You made me experience a feeling deeper than love itself, deeper than anything possible. i will always heart and remember you as my first love. You are amazing in all ways possible. You take me outside of my limits and emotions. though i am not the one for you anymore, i will treasure and take care of you, loving you as long and as much as i possibly can.

if you just know, you mean the world to me. I would do anything for you, anything for your love. you are the only one i could ever love. whenever i am in a tough situation, i think of your face and your angelic, smile. i hear your smooth voice, and smell your sweet scent. and i overcome all my fears because i know you're with me. it's you and me against the world. you and me forever and always.

you are truly the best thing that has happened to me. i just can't stop thinking about you, can't stop luving you. it's sad to say but we may find new soul mates, but just remember this, i will ALWAYS love you and always care for you and we will NEVER drift apart :)

upon a perfection, you are not one. but in my eyes, perfection is boring.
heating you in whatever you are :D

ps. DIGA property. sounds WOW. :)

pps. jangan betebete terus dinaa! :D

promise you *day 139

2009-09-12T23:45:00.000+10:00

I can't promise I'll always be by your side
to give you a hug
but I will always be on the other side of a phone

I can't promise everything will be alright
because sometimes I just don't know
but I will always do my best to make everything okay

I can't promise I can stop your tears
when they're falling so hard you could drown in them
but I can cry with you

I can't promise I can catch you
when you're falling so fast you're just a blur
but I can fall with you, and hold your hand when we crash

I can't promise I can help you out of your hole
because the truth is I'm right down there with you
but I can try and ease your pain

I can't promise I can stop the voices
because I can't even control them myself
but I can understand

I can't promise I can make you better
when you feel like you're not strong enough to go on
but I can be strong for you

I can't promise to give you a reason to live
when you feel like you can't take anymore
but if you let me, I can hold you as you slip into an eternal sleep

And I can't promise
that things will be okay soon
but I can promise that I love you

now, forever, and always.

feel *day 131

2009-09-04T01:36:00.001+10:00

serasa udah sebulanan ga update blog, seems like ignoring anak sendiri. udah brapa hari coba? it has been 12 days. and yeah, i had been quite busy these days. assignments, tests, and lectures. work takes most of my time as well. and i don't know how these came up onto my mind, but

i've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. they don't teach you how to love somebody. they don't teach you how to be famous. they don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. they don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. they don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. they don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. yeah, they don't teach you anything worth knowing. at all.

that is how i feel for the past a week. everytime i got the shifts working, it always came into my mind, what's the point studying this far? would it actually benefit? would it actually earn myself money to return these hardworks to my parents?

i feel like they have been ignoring me. idk why that is. i just feel that way. not contacting them for a week for being so busy, not even an sms came to my phone. geez, feels like being dumped. *sigh*

anyway, good news is i'm going to have a short trip to visit them, for a week of my parents. and a week for my sis'es. excited? nahh, i don't feel that way. i feel like if i go back, my parents would start blabbering about those non-sensical stuffs about working in jakarta. FOR GOOD. God, i should start practicing to be patient.

what's worth being happy is the week in singapore, perhaps. it's been a while. i miss everything there. singapore feels like home. it feels like my best home. especially with all those memories happened there, imissus.

okayy, i'm kinda not feeling quite well while typing this. but all i could ever think about when i was working just now was like, "okayy din, blogging time tonight. come on."

and people there are being more positive as it seems.

anyway, in this post, i would like to give my condolences to all those people related with indo's earthquake's victims.

here are some pictures of the earthquake that kinda surprising to see how bad it has been.

hope all the very best. people born, people live, people die. what's the most important thing in life is the memories. nothing lasts forever. memories live on forever, however. just keep on moving and keep climbing. keep the faith that those people's spirits will always be by your side. they will always love you. :)

skala nya sampe 7.0 ritcher gitu sih, seberapa kenceng, i might wonder. hmm.

cintanya dina? makin kandas dari hari ke hari. everyday seems like a nightmare everytime i read those truths, every time i see the facts of how unimportant i am for a person like him.

emang bener. i have no one precious. i have nobody. nobody.

ps.
i've been told never to give on someone i can't go a day without thinking about, but what if that person gave up on me?

If I never met you, I wouldn't like you.
If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you.
If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you.
But I did, I do, and I will.

And to me you are the best and if i had not met you, life just would not seem right. as if there was something missing. You are the reason i wake up in the morning hoping to see or pass you or even get a conversation from you. You are the world to me babe and i mean that from my heart.

Did you forget, that you used to catch me everytime i fall?
but it seems this is better. the more you hate me, the better.

It's funny how a hello is always accompanied by a goodbye. it's funny how good memories can start to make you cry. it's funny how forever never really seems to last. it's funny how much you'd loose if you forgot about your past. it's funny how "friends" can just leave you when your down. it's funny how when you need someone they are never around. it's funny how people change and they think they are so much better. it's funny how people forgive when they can't forget. it's funny how ironic life turns out to be. and the funniest part of all is that, none of this is funny to me.

question *day 119

2009-08-23T23:20:00.001+10:00

sometimes I wonder whether you know how much you hurt me every second you pretend that nothing ever happened between us.

mungkin that sentence emg kalimat yg paling cocok buat memulai post kali ini.

akhir akhir ini jadi makin sadar kalo dina lebih suka twitter dripada facebook. why? soalna gue pada dasarnya emg bukan dilahirkan sebagai orang yg suka bersosialisasi, membalas wall wall dari rekan rekan does not seem that important for me. yiaa, emg klo dari dulu, gue suka nya post2 things buat orang orang yg gue sayang. yg gue cinta. dan mgkin ga semuanya bisa terima se-apaada-nya. ignore aja kali ya?

kalo kata raditya dika yg demen blogging juga (wlopun style nya berbeda *he's got that sense of humor, klo gue blahblahblah*), twitter itu fun for short-blogging. blogging yg beneran ya lebih panjang, jelas nya. dan lebih mendalem critanya.

okehh, it has been 4 days since thursday. dan jujur, beberapa hari ini terlalu banyak yg gue pikirin. keknya udah keberapa kali nya hati gue slalu merasa kesepian. pgen critain semuanya, pgen memperjelas sgalanya dgn semua crita. tapi, gue ragu kalau dirinya bisa menerima semua kenyataan yg tak pernah diketahui nya.

cuma pgen kasitau dirinya, sebuah introduction dulu mungkin?

When no one was there for me

And I thought that no one cared

When the whole world walked out on me

And I thought I was alone

You were there

When the one I cared about the most

Could care less about me

When the one I gave my heart to

Threw it in my face

You were there

When the person I trusted

Betrayed me

When the person I shared a lot of memories with

Can't even remember my birthday

You were there

When all I needed was a friend

To listen to me whine

When all I needed was someone

To catch my tears

You were there

When my heart hurt so bad

I couldn't even breath

When I just wanted to crawl up and die

You were there

When I started to cry

After hearing that sad song

When thew tears just wouldn't

Stop falling down

You were there

So you see I will be there until the end

This is a promise I can make

If you ever need me

Just give me a call

I will be there just as you were there for me

sometimes words just came onto my mind, and voila! it's all there. gue cuma berharap kalo dia tau seberapa gue menghargai semua kepeduliannya kepadaku :)

selanjutnya? tunggu aja tanggal maennya deh.

* thanks for being the sweetest one of mine.

ps. gue makin tau kalo dirinya emang untuk dirinya. *sighs*

pps.
I fell in love, it was awesome. My heart was broken. It was bad. I fell down and I got up. I never gave in and i don’t want to give up. it feels like someone stabbed me in the stomach. I feel like I need to get high again. It keeps you off my mind. I am sober, but only for now. I never take my time coz it goes to fast. I don’t even want to get started on my past. It's like a tattoo and you know what I mean. I keep doing what I do. I still love you. I don’t hate anyone, only what they do. I forgive. my heart wants me to move on but pathetically I don't. I've got no where to go. So I spend my time here trying to let you go. I have feelings no words can describe. The closest I can get is I need you by my side. with each and every unaccepted second, I am slowly dying. but, I refuse to live like this. It's not like me. I am better than this. I hope you still care. I wonder if you are worth all this pain. Because I would do anything to be with you again. I think, think, and think. and after all that thinking I get tired. I could not find an answer for all these

way back into love *day 116

2009-08-20T12:15:00.001+10:00

I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on!

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it true without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

I've been looking for someone to she'd some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

--------------------------------------------------------

don't know where to start
something ain't going right
feel it in my soul cause I've tried,
tried to keep you satisfied
please don't cry
I just think we both need time
I just feel that we are in the same room
but live in two worlds apart
and its causing too much pain

i just wonder to some people, who do you turn to when the person who can stop your crying is the one who made you cry? i know, i know, i know, isn't it too painful?

*sighs*

I'm afraid to give you my all, I'm afraid to love you completely. What if behind your awesome face and kind words, you are just bribing me? Maybe you are just reeling me in until you turn around and drop me. I'd fall so far and never be able to recover, I wish I could see the ending sometimes. I would know if I should hold on to you and keep going or just let it all end before I get up too high.

but trust me, there are times when true love crosses you, passes right in front of you, slaps you to make you look at it, kicks your butt hoping that you'd see it. But you're too busy looking back. the worst part is that you never knew it was right in front of you, and in your pursuit of looking back, you lost what could have been yours.

i would wait for you, if it takes forever, forever it will be. i know you will not do the same to me, and i don't expect you to do the same. because i can just use this word of HOPE. i just HOPE that you will give me a chance, just a chance to loving you the same way like what it used to be. i just HOPE you would know how deep i love you, how deep i care for you. because, guess what dear, your love; hoping for our love is worth a wait. no matter how long it takes.

ps. i'm sorry. i can't even keep a small promise, how am i going to remember the bigger one? such a jerk, just ignore her if you want to.

pps. but you do know how deep i would still love you, don't you?

i'm not okay *day 114

2009-08-18T23:57:00.001+10:00

It's the feeling of emptiness as you think about life,
it's the sorrow that fills your soul as you consider the day,
it's the knowing you'll end it the same as it began,
it's the sinking feeling of being alone, alone in a world full of people.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE BUT IT GOES TO WASTE..
...Could it be worse?

another dindinn here. with another bad bad bad feeling in my heart, still, even more and more as day passes by.

that was kinda a post i wanted to do last night, ended up with doing it now.

okay, to some people, rants may be hated, and for these people, if these kinds of rants do bother you,please don't read. even ever. i put this web site in facebook to make people interest about me, and when you are finally reading this blog and don't like it, close. click that tiny red x button on top right of your monitor screen.

i just kinda hate it as to why these people keep nudging. i mean, since blog is public, you have that decision to either read or close the page. man, is it so damn hard to close a page?

i just want to express another feeling of mine this evening. and, i kinda hate myself. you see, i just took a shower, and thought of myself. being me for these couple of months. just guess what i found myself to be?

A JERK.

yeah, I AM. i am a total jerk. being the stupidest person ever alive. moody, angry whenever i feel like, don't care with people around me, ...

such a jerk is studying in Melbourne? i mean, seriously?

i am a failure. i think God created me in a wrong way. i can't be what anyone could ever love. and i don't think i would be. i did try this at at some point in my life previously. and in the end, i failed again. i stumbled again and again.

what a jerk.

God, i know there are a lot of people out there who are more desperate than me, i know there are more people and i know You would listen to them one by one first, before You ever reach my case, but if You ever happen to arrive in my case, in my life, please do know that i love You, i love You so much. the world may hate me, the world may sick of my existence everywhere. the world my leave me alone at some point in the future, but i do know Lord, You never do. You are always with me. even though there are lots of people out there,i know that You got to take care of them as well. i just hope that you would not forget about me. I am here, Christ. For I am always here, loving you.

gatau kenapa, akhir2 ini klo sendirian di kamar, gue bs tanpa alesan yg jelas, nangis sendiri. kekna gue emangg uda kangen banget ma Tuhan, mgkin emang udah lama rasanya ga ngrasain khangetan Nya.

not only family matter, not only friendship matter, not only love matter, i do have matter with myself.

i am so weak. i always need someone to lean on. to express whatever i am feeling freely.

i miss you. i miss us. i miss everything that happened between us in the past.

Aku bagaikan ada di saat yang terendah

Menjadi bagian kisah terhempas dari cinta

Tersiksa cintamu yang tlah dinikmati orang lain

Menjadi bagian tawa dan cemooh semua orang

Angkat kepala yang tertunduk malu terasa berat

Lawan sendiri arus kemenangan orang lain

Dirly - tak ingin dilupakan

Dengarlah lagu dari orang yang tak mau putus asa

Dengarlah lagu dari orang yang tak ingin dilupakan

Menepis hari yang sedih

Membuatku lupa akan arti harga diri

Caci makilah atau kau buatku tersenyum

Tuk hadapi kenyataan

Menepis hari yang sedih

Bagaikan berdiri di tepi jurang batinku

Doronglah aku atau kau raih tangan ini

Tuk hadapi kenyataan

tell me how am i supposed to breathe with no air?

ps. kapan kamu pengen berenti nangis tanpa alesan yg jelas, din?

pps. i am in my weakest point tonight

ppps.

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield

One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands, tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like

Can't swallow our pride
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose
What we had, oh no

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?

I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
'Cause baby, we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like

A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield

I guess you better go and get your armor

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
(Fighting, fighting for)

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?

I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor

Why does love always feel like?
Why does love always feel like?
A battlefield, a battlefield

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for
I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for

*dan lagu ini bikin nangis, entah mengapa

* Some say love is holding on, some say letting go. Some say love is everything, but I just don't know. Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain. Letting someone in and giving them your trust hoping they don’t bring you down. But what if they do? What if all your trust is gone, your shattered on the floor, bleeding, waiting for that horrible feeling to go away. Tell me: what is love when you go through that pain.
Just tell me, is love strong enough to open up to somebody again, feeling the warmth of somebody’s touch again. Feeling like your worth it. Being able to give your body mind and soul. Just showing who you are what you got to give, and be comfortable about that. They say that love is blind, well I say open up your eyes. Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Look beyond their imperfections, little annoying things, or learn to like them in some strange kind of way. Love four letters but so much different meanings. Ask a hundred people the same question: what is love?
You will never get the same answer.

So how can we love, if love isn’t the same for two people?

life = mess *day 112

2009-08-17T02:41:00.002+10:00

I know this song was out-to-date song, but this has been all through my brain for almost a day! well, i'm just hoping that you would listen to this song while reading the post. if you don't have, go download that, please.

Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance

So I believe than you and me should grab it while we can

Make it last forever and never give it back

It's our turn, and I'm loving' where we're at

Because this moment's really all we have

Everyday of our lives,

Wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight

Gonna run while we're young

And keep the faith

Everyday from right now,

Gonna use our voices and scream out loud

Take my hand; together we will celebrate everyday

They say that you should follow

And chase down what you dream,

But if you get lost and lose yourself

What does is really mean?

No matter where we're going,

It starts from where we are.

There's more to life when we listen to our hearts

And because of you, I've got the strength to start

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Everyday of our lives,

Wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight

Gonna run while we're young

And keep the faith

Everyday from right now,

Gonna use our voices and scream out loud

Take my hand; together we will celebrate everyday

We're taking it back, we're doing it here together!

It's better like that and stronger now than ever!

We're not gonna lose.

'Cause we get to choose.

That's how it's gonna be!

Everyday of our lives,

Wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight

Gonna run while we're young

And keep the faith

Everyday from right now,

Gonna use our voices and scream out loud

Take my hand; together we will celebrate everyday

before i even start my rants, i guess i should thank God for the iphone, ehh? it does not turn out to get the WOW-I-AM-SO-COOL-RIGHT-NOW-FOR-USING-THE-MOST-ADVANCED-HANDPHONE-EVER feeling, but it is the opposite. i feel ashamed of myself. feel really ashamed.

and, i got lots of news last night. too much? perhaps so. even though i have been trying that i did not see anything, or hear or listen to anything, it still hurts deep down. had a blast conversation with my sis and a faraway friend too, but neither of them has any opinions over this matter.

afterall, it will just be me. afterall, those efforts, those killing times would just be a waste. and unless there is a miracle, giving up is the only path in front of me now.

geez idk why i put such a song that does not really resemble how i feel towards you right now, dear. i mean, look at me; weak, immature, irrational, and see how i can never make you happy. (since well, ohh yeah, i am always this -> :((((( SAD)

and the next song, just a bit of that,
i would die for you
lay down my life for you
the only thing means everything to me
because when you're in my arms, you made me prouder than anything i ever could achieve

and with this family matter, and assignments to do, and everything to ruin my life, it's just simply the most perfect weekend.

I'm just going to tell you the simplest thing here. i love you. i'm just wondering if you do know how i feel right now. i can't feel anything. everything is just too plain. my heart is tormented dear. it hurts so bad. just so bad.

ps.
because you made everything that used to be so big seemed to be so small since you arrived.

*choff-off, guys. i'm just going cry myself to sleep.

pps.
and i really love this song my sis has in her blog.
just gonna post the lyrics here.

FALL-INA

I gave you all you desired
All that you needed
Boy, I provided
I let you into my head
Into my bed
And that's a privilege
I had you back at the answers
You took the dollars
I took the chances
Defended, battled and fought
Cos I really thought you loved me

I don't know where to start or where to stop
No, but I know I am done
I've had enough

So fall out of my hands
Out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
you'll be sorry i'm not around
I will watch you
And you fall out of your mind
Out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall
Think of me
I'll be on the top just watching you fall

You said that you were the strong one
I was the girl
And I was the young one
I kept your feet on the ground
My head in the rounds I had you
You told me you were so greatful
I was with you
And I was so faithful
Stood by in all that you said
And all that you did
I Loved you
I don't know how to act or what to say
But I know I am good
I'll be okay

And you fall out of my hands
Out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
You'll be sorry that I'm not around
I will watch you
And you fall out of your mind
Out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall
Think of me
I'll be on the top just watching you fall
I'll be on the top just watching you fall

So fall out of my hands
Out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
You'll be sorry that I'm not around
I will watch you
And you fall out of your mind
Out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall
Think of me
I'll be on the top just watching you fall
I'll be on the top just watching you fall

lingering

2009-08-14T09:59:00.003+10:00

We will always want something more than what we've got. But face it, whatever happens, happens. And whatever we are given, we need to hold onto that with all of our might. Because that's it. That's what we were given, what we've been trusted in to keep, to treasure, to take care of and to love with all of our hearts. We need to appreciate every little thing we've got because, well, it's all we've got. It's okay to dream, but first you need to treasure reality in all its beauty.

It's upsetting to think that someone can, after so long; so many memories and so much love, just turn around and say "Sorry, I don't love you anymore." After everything they have gone through, it hurts to think about how somebody can change their mind on such a thing as their love for another. I can't even begin to understand the reasons behind this. I know things change and nothing lasts but I just can't seem to comprehend. How can a feeling change, just like that; in the blink of an eye? And it scares me, so much.

We're always waiting for something. It starts when you're a child; sitting in front of the oven waiting for the cookies to bake. It's knowing that you've done everything right and now all you're waiting on is the reward for your hard work. It's in your teens, when you're engrossed in "happily ever after" syndrome - waiting for your prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet and into the sunset. It's when you're eighty, slowly opening your eyes and feeling the world engross you in its entirety. Waiting for that moment, the moment where you close your eyes and the pain disappears - waiting for heaven to take you away. Throughout life we're taught to wait; we are taught patience, love and compassion. We learn that life is about waiting, it's about staying positive and looking forward to the future, no matter what may come our way.

if you think that it doesnt hurt anymore, well it does.
if you think that i dont miss you anymore, well i do.
if you think i dont cry anymore, well i still do.
if you think that i want you back, well i do.
and if you think that i still love you, well honey that's none other than another truth.

I try to stop the tears but they keep streaming down.
I try to block out the memories but they keep coming back.
I try to block out all the fears but they keep on flooding in.
I try to stop loving you, but i can't.

everything *day 106

2009-08-10T10:08:00.001+10:00

perhaps if there was a magic lamp like what Aladdin had, where it could grant 3 wishes, my wishes would be these.

1. I wish I had not known her from the very start, which means she would never know me, neither would I and all those friendship memories would not be created and that kind of history would not happen

but since I have known her (which proves this is none other than God's plans) and we recognized each other for such a time now, and this period of time is not short,

2. I just wish that whenever I try to close my eyes, I would not be crying and asking myself about those memories, of either it was my or her fault, or either thinking of not blaming each other and accept just the way it is or letting this matter go and crying deep inside

seriously, I could recall those memories' circumstances in my head for like the umpteenth times these days and this thing is driving me insane. in one way or another, I could only accept the facts that i do think that kind of history made was a fault of mine, not being able to show how I care towards her as a friend, and yes

3. I just wish her happiness is around her anytime and everywhere she goes

genie oh genie~ if she is still trying to survive it out there and she make it through somehow.. just tell her i am sorry for everything. those remembrance of rejection, it is still hanging in my mind and I could recall how harsh my words to her last time.

because you are the one who raised me up to more than I could ever be. and I was the strongest when I was on your shoulder.

heyya, guys. those are some kind of introduction for this post and i'm kind of hoping she would be able to read this, perhaps yeah sometime later, or perhaps she would just ignore this.

What I used to think, what I used to say, what I have started to think none of this makes sense to me anymore; was I right back then, or am I right now? I don't know. Understanding life is too hard. I don't know what's going on around me, at my work, at my house, everywhere I go, it is, I am, missing something/someone, but I don't know what it is... I still don't feel like I have what I always wanted. Life is weird. A complete life ?? What’s that? I don't even know it; not back then, not anymore. Sometimes I think it’s better if I don't try to understand it; sometimes I’m at lost into my thoughts, thinking what’s right for me and what’s not.

isn't it a terrible feeling when you wake up and for the first 5 seconds everything is perfectly okay until your reality hits back in and you wished it was all a bad dream? I have been receiving this kind of feeling for almost 7 months now, and it is still there whenever I wake up. I tried so so so many times to look at life's quotes, on accepting the way it is but it still lingers.

I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long, erasing all the pain until it's gone. and I wanna heal and feel like I'm close to something real.

when i was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. when i went to kindergarten, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i wrote down "happy". they told me I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life. Though so, after I have grown, it came to reality that it is the most difficult thing to make myself happy. well, i guess I am more to the SAD part than to the HAPPY part. I forced myself to make a smile, but after all, smiles are like bandaids,they cover up the pain..but it still hurts.

I have no loved ones. everybody was gone, each day each time. and I would always be the one forcing them to go. those attitudes of mine, yeah they were so bad I could not even control.

not to forget the love of my life. after I read a blog of a friend of mine last night, i realised how tough it is when you see your heart is still with him and all you can do is just the wait wait and wait, until it is sober.

My soft-spoken words just turn into shouts. My good intentions turn into fights. My promises, you twist into lies. My heart can't take the pressure of your weight any longer... and so it gives out and I fall forever into the hollow abyss below me.

i love you. and if these 3 words don't help to show you how i am feeling dear, let me tell you in more detail. i love you. i just want you to know how much I love you, how much I care for you, how much I need you and how much I miss you. I really feel as if I am the luckiest girl in this world to have you as mind and especially me being a part of yours (hoping). I just don't know hoe to thank you but I can tell you that I really appreciate all the wonderful things you have done for me all these while. Whenever we are apart I would really miss you and sometimes I would feel so scared of losing you. Life would be so meaningless without you. my life especially. I just believe that we can stay together that even death can never do us apart.

loving you, dear. loving the way you smile, loving the way you try to make fun of yourself. loving the way you show your care, and loving the way you are being so strong of your love yourself, show you have that romantic side in yourself.

i love you in everything you do :)

yes, your love is not mine though mine's yours. gosh, life is so complicated indeed.

have been busy with my assignments these days, guys. and blogging to express how I am feeling towards him is the only thing to ease my pain in my heart. see closely, the ONLY thing.

ps.
I’m just gonna keep my eyes closed. Because this is like that moment in the
morning when you first wake up and you’re still half asleep and everything
seems… things are possible, dreams feel true and for that one moment
between waking and dreaming anything can be real… and then you open
your eyes and the sun hits you and realize – I’m just gonna keep
my eyes closed.

pps.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

ppps.

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.

You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything

come on, this is so my song so far. <3 it!

*and in this crazy life, and through these crazy times, it's you it's you, you make me sing, you're every line, you're every word, you're everything*

i'm just a kid

2009-08-06T23:36:00.000+10:00

I woke up it was 7

Waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the f*** is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

Tonight
I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

romance *day 101

2009-08-05T02:15:00.001+10:00

have you ever had one of those days where the world could come crashing down and you'd have no reaction? No outburst of sudden emotion? Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything you've ever wanted could happen, everything could go right, and it still wouldn't matter? Not because you wouldn't be satisfied, but just by the mere fact that you've just become so numb, so apathetic, that nothing phases you anymore? 'Cause lately, I'm having a breakdown, but I can't even feel it anymore.

i don't want anything to keep us apart, i don't care if you're at another school, i don't care if we don't get too see each other every day, i just want to know; do you want this? because i know i sure do and if you don't please let me know soon before i fall for you soo bad it's gonna really hurt to get out. although that might have already happened.

but, let me tell you this;
if ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is; even if we're apart, i'll always be with you.

i don't know why those peeps in facebook like this status so much when i was actually directing that to you, dear. maybe they do like that quote, so it is alright for me to just leave it and letting you know here that the words are simply for you.

p.s.

If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?

If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call?

If you you are not mine, would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings

But I know you're here with me now

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you, then why am I crying on my bed?

If I don't need you, then why does your name resound in my head?

If you're not for me, then why does this distance name my life?

If you're not for me, then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away

But I know that this much is true

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss your body and soul so strong

That it takes my breath away

And I breath you into my heart

And I pray for the strength to stand today

'Cause I love you whether it's wrong or right

And though I can't be with you tonight

And though my heart is by your side

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

pps.
i know everything now. and seeing all those truths in front of me, even though you are near, makes me cry and can't stop crying. because the worst thing about being lied to is the fact is that knowing you weren't worth the truth.

if you don't like truths, why don't you just look at other things, din? dumb. fool. that is absurd! i used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true now.

ppps.
I wanna be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from, when the storm blows your way. I wanna be the earth that holds you, every bit of air your breathing in a soothing wind, I wanna be inside your heaven.

Where you are that's where I want to be. and, though your eyes are all things I want to see. In the night you are my dreams. You're everything to me.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
When every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't want to close my eyes and I don't want to fall asleep
Because I miss you dear, and I don't want to miss a thing
Because even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do
and I'll still miss you babe and I don't wanna miss a thing

when i just looked at that just now, what i realised was i am still loving you and this feeling is forever to take. though i know my heart is tearing itself apart into pieces day by day, yet by those smiles you create, it keeps me going.

there is only one thing to say three words for you

I LOVE YOU

ISSUES *day 97 - 100

2009-08-04T04:10:00.007+10:00

sometimes, it does feel so great whenever i am doing something else, anything, all i could think about is blogging blogging and blogging. like having a nandos meal for lunch or dinner, i guess blogging has, too, become addictive.

is this bad?

*drinking teh kotak while typing this :)

alright, so where am i now? it has been like 4 days so far and i guess i will just surrender to what He has planned for me.

i really had nandos for dinner that saturday, and the maths test? i feel like crying should i explain it here. should have been taught in singapore laa, yet everything seemed forgotten. :(( yeah, maths has always been my weakest subject

to feel less stressed out, watched my sister's keeper, and yeah it was fine. felt stupid at febe for crying, but i cried later too. hah, so who is stupid now? a good movie i should say. and this is the second movie, after twilight, that i watched even before i finished the book. imagine when you are reading the novel and the movie has come out and you watch it, it feels kinda wasting time for reading the book again, does it not? eventually i did not even finish twilight, and i hate it for i think i wasted the money, since the movie was ewww-ful.

but for this movie, i want to know how jodi would put it to an end in the novel. so, yeah i guess i would continue reading the novel. twilight? err, seems not. i don't know why everybody like edward cullen. he is cool NOT! i mean, LOOK closely at his eyes, CLOSELY.

see the kind of person that is dying? he is sick, for heaven's sake. and people in love with him?

see, guys, there are actually lots of healthy handsome guys out there. brad pitt, tom cruise, not to mention zac efron, or even daniel radcliffe are so cooler than that pattinson guy. *seriously when i am typing this i do forget his first name. what was it? peter? john? robin?

alright, alright, no more twilight complaints or my sister there would be the one that returns all my denials for hating this guy. but but, one last comment please?
he does NOT look like a funny person, at all. geezz

had a chat with my brother and yeah, it feels like home. and the stories mum shared with me, feels like being there. they are always the ones that love me so much indeed. and i feel so sorry for spending lots of their money here. really, i can survive for another 2 months here, no worries mum :)

as for love? you know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

well, i am waiting for my fairytale to be true here. just a little longer, din :) be true to yourself. kalo kamu emang cinta dia, the patience the wait and everything is all going to be worth.

people ask me, "do you still love him?"
and every time my mind tells me a thousand answers but deep down i know there is only one.
so i always reply to them :
"you can never stop loving someone. you only learn how to live without them in your life"

how can i live without you? i couldn't even imagine how i would survive in a day!

anyway, had it all been good, i would not be this sad looking. it was an awful day i would say. and again, tears just could not stop streaming down. afterall, the day would be soon. the day i have been wishing you to celebrate with. but, i was just wishing. i don't expect much. because good things come when you least expect them, so i don't really mind.

I hung up the phone tonight

Something happened for the first time
Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush

Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me, just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
?Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going away

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time
Are we just friends? Is there more?
Is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
Cause I believe that we can make this into
Something that will last, last forever,
forever

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going away

it's funny how the people you once fought for, are now the very people your fighting against
it's funny how the only thing you want to stay the same is the only thing that's changing
it's funny how promises mean everything and the people who make the most important ones are the people who break them the most

i guess as for me, smiles are like band-aids. They cover up the thing that made you hurt, but they can't numb the pain.

and every night I spend thinking. I think about all the possibilities I have with you. and with all that thinking, is where all our memories came to be,I couldn't help but falling in love with you. though it pains me to say that I know you don't feel the same way.
But I have come to a conclusion. At first I thought it was love that was hurting me. But it isn't.
The pain of not being by your side and not belonging to you is the true pain. Love is what kept me going, living for another day.

I don't know what is worse; missing what we were, missing what we could have been, or missing how it was before 'us'.

ps. sometimes, not knowing is better than knowing because when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers; You run out of hope.

pps. and then I remembered the sweet sound of your voice and I closed my eyes. for just a couple of seconds you were back again. for just a couple of seconds everything was back to how things used to be. I smiled.

i go crazy *day 96

2009-07-31T23:47:00.007+10:00

in times like these when i feel being left out and nobody does notice my existence, i would cry out loud inside.

see? it was not as how i was expecting, i mean today. after the post i did last night, i tried to be in a clear mind for facing the day, and.. well, i would say this whole day makes me cranked up and almost bursted in tears i was.

thought that you know, thought that you would concern, thought that you might care. thought that this world did not seem that bad at the first quarter, but since the second, it was awful indeed. it somehow made a seem-to-be-perfect day into a should-i-continue-this-life day.

gosh, how am i able to explain this feeling, dear? i want you to know, i wish you could ask, even just a simple question would do. you did not, and even after i brought the topic up, you did not seem to care.

sometimes i just wish i could return to the time when everything was so fine back then, everything was going so well and nobody seemed so special than you.

my head was like full of you for the whole day. how are you doing there? why do i feel so regret of doing this? should i call you? have you got company? should i just fly straightaway to the place you are?

but, do you care? do you get even a bit of how i am feeling towards you? do you, dear? asking those questions is one of my ways to show how i care so much about you. deeply in my heart, i knew what the answers would be, but for this time, i just want you to express how you feel about yourself.

i guess, yeah, that feeling comes again. that jealousy. and, i just wish that my heart has the power to pretend that this kind of feeling never exists, because once it is recognised and being grown, i would then be the weakest person everyone would ever know.

and, guess what? that thought has been lingering in my mind for like forever.

i just wish i could lean on anyone's shoulder, even if it's just for a while. i am just tired for being myself now.

song of the day? i do not hook up's kelly clarkson

Oh, sweetheart put the bottle down, you've got too much talent

I see you through those bloodshot eyes

There's a cure, you've found it

Slow motion sparks, you've caught that chill, now don't deny it

But boys will be boys, oh, yes they will

They don't wanna define it

Just give up the game and get into me

If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow

So if you want me I don't come cheap

Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep

'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say goodnight

I can't cook, no but I can clean up the mess you left

Lay your head down and feel the beat as I kiss your forehead

This may not last but this is now so love the one you're with

You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail

A quick fix won't ever get you well

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow

So if you want me I don't come cheap

Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep

'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say

'Cause I feel the distance between us

Could be over with the snap of your finger, oh, no

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I go slow

So if you want me I don't come cheap

Keep your head on my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no I do not hook up, up I fall deep

'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say

'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight to say goodnight

Oh, sweetheart put the bottle down 'cause you don't wanna miss out

tone's great and the last sentence aka. the first one, was kinda awesome :)

pps.

People laugh and people cry. But all people cry when somone dies. Because when some one close and someone near dies, every one cries. No matter how strong no matter how bold, every one wants to hold the one who told them it was okay it and was alright all through the night. When that person leaves like the wind in the trees. We just think of them with every passing breeze.

i love you.
i really do.
but i know deep down i could never find the courage to tell you this.
because i have this strange feeling that once you know, things between us will never be the same. and i don't wanna loose you. but, i guess you have known about this and you just pretend this as in nothing has ever changed. when something actually has. something inside this heart of mine, and it is broken into pieces when you are doing it this way.

telling stories to others but not to me, sharing those laughters with anyone but me. what is it that you keep hiding from? i don't want to know, but please don't show them to me. because you do know that i always care about you, even if it is the simplest thing. this kind of ignorance..

i just don't feel like being myself.

ppps.

because when..
I wrote your name in the sky and the wind blew it away,
I wrote your name in the sand and the waves washed it away,
but when I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay

pppps.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark
this is how i am right now

terluka dalem

2009-07-31T00:36:00.001+10:00

klo hati mule kacau, apapun bisa kita lakuin, bner ga? misalna, pdahal hati pas awal2 tnang aman damai, gatau na diusik, dan alhasil jadi naik pitam. itu salah siapa coba?
kita sendiri ya?

semingguan ini, kehidupan dina di melbourne serasa tinggal di tong sampah.i mean, seriously.

1. sabtu kmaren nonton drag me to hell, yg mpe skg, tiap hari slalu bkin gue tdur jem 4 ato 5. mnding klo ngampus siang, ini? jem 9 an. damn.
2. mnggu na, gara2 pelem dan NGG! ga k greja. lagi2 dosa ma Tuhan. lagi2 nyalahin diri sndiri. dan lagi2 ngerasa pndapat sndiri dicuekin.
3. snen? BAHAHAH! potentially a very romantic day katana horoskop. BAHH! andai kalian tau apa yg terjadi, kalian akan menertawai gue.
4. slasa! lagi2 ada bumbu2 amarah keluar. dan wlopun perjuangan buat bantuin na ada, tetep aja keGAikhlasna kliatan. ketara jelas gtu.
5. rebo! kmaren, bahh worst day of life bgt. kiraen awal2 hari da indah, gtau na diri sndiri ngerusak smuana. nangis lagi, ngerasa diri yg paling bego lagi.

dan tiba, hari ini.
mao tau sharian gue dpetin apa aja gaa??
1. kemalasan yg membawa kebetean tngkat tertinggi
2. males blajar, masi kebawa ma appun yg tejadi smalem. apapun yg dina lakuin emang ga pernah bener
3. harus kerja pdahal ngntukna mnta ampun
4. tapi pas balik rumah, ngntuk ilang gara2 parno sndiri di kamar
5. ngerasa klo kerjaan tadi bener2 bkin nngis
6. nangis lagi
7. ngerasa diri bego lagi
8. pas naek taksi tadi, bahh!
9. sana sini salah, hidup makin kacau
10. runyam semua keinginan seharian

dan aneh na lagu yg kepikiran sharian itu, save me nya simple plan, check out this lyrics.

Take a breath

I pull myself together

Just another step until I reach the door

You’ll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

I wish that I could tell you something

To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there’re so many things that I want you to know

I won’t give up till it’s over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice

It's drowning in a whisper

It’s just skins and bones

There’s nothing left to take

No matter what I do

I can’t make you feel better

If only I could find the answer

To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there’re so many things that I want you to know

I won't give up 'til it’s over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down

I’ll pick you up off the ground

If you lose faith in you

I’ll give you strength to pull through

Tell me you won't give up cause I’ll be waiting if you fall

Oh, you know I’ll be there for you

If only I could find the answer

To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you

And there’re so many things that I want you to know

I won't give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

I wish I could save you

I want you to know

I wish I could save you

see? the words do not make any relation with my feeling. i just like the song, perhaps. yeah, the tune's great.

will tomorrow be the same as these other days, Lord? *sigh*
gue cape bgini terus.

poem*

2009-07-30T13:12:00.000+10:00

Here I am
In a crowded room
So how come I feel so small
Just because you aren’t here

I feel useless
I feel scared
I feel like the ocean is drowning my heart
I know something isn’t right
Because I feel alone

Here I am
In a sunny spot
So how come I feel so dark inside
Just because you are gone

I feel unwanted
I feel undesired
I feel like an axe was punctured in my heart
I know something isn’t right
Because I feel alone

Here I am
In my memory place
So how come I feel so forgotten
Just because you forgot me

I feel loved not
I feel understood not
I feel like love played hide and seek and was never found in my heart
I know something isn’t right
Because I feel alone

Here I am
Alone

light on *day 88-94 :9

2009-07-29T03:15:00.001+10:00

just because I smile doesn’t mean that I’m happy, because for me, it takes one smile to cover a million tears.

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. The girl who seemed strong, crumbled. The girl who always laughed, cried. The girl who never stopped trying, finally gave up. As she dropped her fake smile, a tear ran down her cheek and she whispered to herself, "I can't do this anymore."

heyya, peeps.

sometimes, i don't really know how to express this feeling. seems weird, whenever i close my eyes, all i can feel is.. emptiness.

nothing.

and guess what, seems like you are the only one who can cheer my life up, but you are also the one hurting my heart. imagine, even after being told i cry for the sake of you the whole night, yet you don't seem really care with this feeling.

nangis terus emang ada guna nya ya, din? klo dia emang ga sayang kamu, what's the wish for? you keep hoping and hoping and forgetting about your life. for heaven's sake, dindinn, try to be stronger.

because afterall, true love waits, even at the hardest times, when it seems like all is lost, and it seems you cant handle anymore, but there is that little bit of hope that keeps you hanging on.

lagu buat beberapa hari ini? this let go song, really, i mean seriously bugs me. i really want to know the real meaning of the song. why do i keep listening to it? because even before the singer starts singing, she sighs and thinks whether she can sing that.

Every time I found the words to say

What I thought would make things okay

I kept it all inside

Slowly drowning in my pride

I never could admit my own mistakes

Some how I thought things would fall into place

And I made a change too late

Here, past all the lights

Where everything's clear

Nothing seems to change

How I love you and now

You're gonna leave

I'm just slowly dying here inside

Trying to let go

Maybe I just thought I had you here

I thought that you would not go anywhere

I abused my position and I didn't care

And now that you no longer turn to me

And it seems that you got over me

I can hardly breathe

You no longer need me

I'm just sorry I found out late but all the choices I made I thought of me

And not how it'd be to watch you walk away

I know I'll never make it right but everyday I try

In hopes you might come back you're where my heart's at

I have to find a way

Here, past all the lights

Where everything's clear

Nothing seems to change

How I love you and now

You're gonna leave

I'm just slowly dying here inside

Trying to let go

And everytime I think of you

It's hard for me to think of what I can do

I used to have you here beside me

I just want you here beside me baby

How can the sun keep shinin'

When my whole body's cryin

I know I never told you why

I need you in my life

Here, past all the lights

Where everything's clear

Nothing seems to change

How I love you and now

You're gonna leave

I'm just slowly dying here inside

Trying to let go

i can't hardly breathe, you no longer need me. and how can the sun keep shining when my whole body is crying? those 2 sentences, such a great person for being able to put these words onto a great tune.

guess what? i see that girl in the picture and i wonder how she ever got so happy,then i see the person sitting next to her and smiling and it all becomes clear..

i just wish i could remember that feeling.

ps.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
But people are people and sometimes we change our minds
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie.
It's the kinda ending you dont really wanna see.
'cause it's tragedy and it will only bring you down
Now I dont know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple never easy
Never a clean break no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt
Every bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people and sometimes it doesnt work out.
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know its never simple never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
Youre the only thing i know like the back of my hand.

It's 2 a.m. feeling like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know its not easy for me.
It's 2 a.m. feeling like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this aint easy for me.

And we know its never simple never easy
Never a clean break no one here to save me

And I can't breathe without you
do I have to?
Breathe without you
But do I have to?

these are actually the words i have been wanting to tell you for this post.

take time to take a deep breath, to feel the sand between your toes, to stay up all night, to share a secret with a friend. Take time to see me. Take time to see that I've been there your whole life and that I'll always be there. Take time to love me like I love you, dear.

fear

2009-07-26T22:48:00.005+10:00

sedikit waktu yang kau miliki luangkanlah untukku
harap secepatnya datangi aku

sekali ini kumohon padamu
ada yang ingin ku sampaikan
sempatkanlah

* hampa, kesal, dan amarah
seluruhnya ada di benakku
andai seketika hati yang tak berbalas
oleh cintamu

** ku ingin benar melampiaskan
tapi ku hanyalah sendiri di sini
ingin ku tunjukkan pada siapa saja
yang ada bahwa hatiku kecewa

seperti menunggumu di sini seperti seharian
berkali ku lihat jam di tangan demi membunuh waktu
tak kulihat tanda kehadiranmu yang semakin meyakiniku
kau tak datang

* hampa, kesal, dan amarah
seluruhnya ada di benakku
andai seketika hati yang tak berbalas
oleh cintamu

** ku ingin benar melampiaskan
tapi ku hanyalah sendiri di sini
ingin ku tunjukkan pada siapa saja
yang ada bahwa hatiku kecewa

parno. this is the only word i can ever express now. not only mentioning that this sensitive heart has been stabbed for... *gosh, i don't even know how many times for these days*!

dalam nama Tuhan Yesus, gue ga bs tdur. dan kekna mlem ini ga bkalan bisa. damn. emangg bener, otak yang banyak pikiran gini hrus diapus, sial.

mana akir2 ini msalah ditambah ma kerinduan itu, dan mimpi yang ga bisa lepas dari pikiran. Tuhan Yesus, sampe kapan engkau akan berikan dina semua cobaan2 ini Tuhan? aku sudah tidak kuat. aku terlalu rindu Tuhan. aku terlalu rindu.

darkness, whetever i am seeing in front of me is darkness, nothing less.

and guess what?
i am scared, scared to death.

Tuhan, dina lemah, Tuhan.

ps. i don't want to face another day

singa-a-dongdong *day 87

2009-07-22T11:54:00.005+10:00

lagi suka suka na sama lagu ini. kepikiran daritadi pagi.jadi, gue pngen share aja sii.

So here we stand

In our secret place

With a sound of the crowd

So far away

And you take my hand

And it feels like home

We both understand

It's where we belong

So how do I say?

Do I say goodbye?

We both have our dreams

We both wanna fly

So let's take tonight

To carry us through

The lonely times

So let's take tonight

And never let go

While dancing we'll kiss

Like there's no tomorrow

As the stars sparkle down

Like a diamond ring

I'll treasure this moment

Till we meet again

But no matter how far

Or where you may be

I just close my eyes

And you're in my dreams

And there you will be

Until we meet

I'll always look back

As I walk away

This memory

Will last for eternity

And all of our tears

Will be lost in the rain

When I've found my way

Back to your arms again

But until that day

You know you are

The queen of my heart

kata2 na indah, tune na merdu. what a perfect song indeed.

ps. and you took my hand, and yes it felt like home.

pps.

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight

I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by your forever
You can take my breath away

I found sunshine in my life

presence

Juxtaposition

MERDEKA!

take care of my heart, love

FUNNY HOKKIEN STORY!

rants and agony

swell.

do you know?

MISS!

one day.

crystal clear it becomes.

GRENADE

REALISATION

words i've been meaning to say

hearts with love, lessthanthree

torture

faith

letter with wishes

dear, friend.

just the way you are :D

thought and cries

the ceremony with a poem

Just a story to make you appreciate more.

whatever happens: happens :)

fathers' day :)

a tough decision

misses

the butterflies.

one more time, dear.

just for you :D

YOU + ME :)

tingling of miss.

pursuit of happiness

stupidity.

fearless :D

over-limit

scribbles and nibbles

POSTconsciousness and PREanxiety

a stupid convo.

a touching life story.

the sickness of loneliness

my soundtrack of crying

達浪~ 達浪~

hey, 2010 :)

bid-farewell

newborn King

nothing lasts forever, except forever.

爱不单行

the downsizing of failure

poem

you did it, once again.

pains

21 guns

maybe, two is better than one

stand by me, please

face down

your guardian angel

simply love

forget

tak ingin dilupakan

you and i :)

the beauty of love

she's gone

aimless

FMyLife

dear diki sayang *journey 16

a letter from yesterday

unsatisfaction *journey 14

be kind, rewind *journey #8

the cry, once again *journey #7

the wait *journey #4

bet *journey #3

regrets *journey #2

3 cities in a day! *journey # 1

goodnight *day 154

tidur engga? engga tidur!

treasure *day 151 :*(

perfection *day 146

promise you *day 139

treasure day 151 :(